So annoying how my life simply sucks at the moment...
Everything in my life is in a huge dive downwards except my work which thank God is going ok.
If there is a God, I am the little pawn that he likes to play around with. I can imagine him sitting on his comfy chair made of clouds looking at me and joking to his angels how pathetic my life is. He gave me this incredible job that pays so well, and then just to justify for it all made sure that I never see any of the money and that everything else in my life would keep going wrong. I am sure for the upstairs folks that is just hillarious.
And no, I am not trying to blame everything else in the universe for my problems. I have been stupid and naive with my decisions that has let me into this place, but to my defense life could be a bit easier.
This all started from me wanting to settle down with a wrong person and I invested so much money (because I was naive) on a life I would never have. I lost all the things I bought for our beautiful house because I trusted them with my "boyfriend" who simply couldn't have cared less. I also lend money to people who turned against me when I wanted to do something for myself or ask for the money back. Then I ended up in a job which made me redundant after one month so I had to enter the vicious circle of payday loans which still over two years later rule my life. Now when I would earn enough money to get rid of these loans I am bound in a contract for a flat which I don't even live in and can't get away for few more months... I am constantly running out of money and hardly have enough to buy food. I always have to make sure I buy the cheapest things so I don't go over my budget which already is very small (£50 a month to be exact).
I know I know... I could have cancer, HIV, be homeless or unemployed. I could have no family or friends... I could be so poor that I would have to beg on streets and eat rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I realise that my life is pretty damn good when I start comparing to people who are in real need... but I can't help also comparing myself to people whose life is going well.
For example... I just had two girls visiting me from Finland for the weekend. Both of them earn less than me yet they were spending hundreds of pounds in the shops of London buying clothes and shoes. I was walking with them, looking at the beautiful things and not buying anything... since I didn't have any money, even buying the train ticket to go out with the girls was way over my budget.
I hope I get everything sorted out soon... I wouldn't mind going to the hair dressers and sometimes spend some money on clothes. I can't remember the last time I actually went shopping for clothes... It was a long time ago.
I can't wait to be a woman again!!!
