So annoying how my life simply sucks at the moment...
Everything in my life is in a huge dive downwards except my work which thank God is going ok.
If there is a God, I am the little pawn that he likes to play around with. I can imagine him sitting on his comfy chair made of clouds looking at me and joking to his angels how pathetic my life is. He gave me this incredible job that pays so well, and then just to justify for it all made sure that I never see any of the money and that everything else in my life would keep going wrong. I am sure for the upstairs folks that is just hillarious.
And no, I am not trying to blame everything else in the universe for my problems. I have been stupid and naive with my decisions that has let me into this place, but to my defense life could be a bit easier.
This all started from me wanting to settle down with a wrong person and I invested so much money (because I was naive) on a life I would never have. I lost all the things I bought for our beautiful house because I trusted them with my "boyfriend" who simply couldn't have cared less. I also lend money to people who turned against me when I wanted to do something for myself or ask for the money back. Then I ended up in a job which made me redundant after one month so I had to enter the vicious circle of payday loans which still over two years later rule my life. Now when I would earn enough money to get rid of these loans I am bound in a contract for a flat which I don't even live in and can't get away for few more months... I am constantly running out of money and hardly have enough to buy food. I always have to make sure I buy the cheapest things so I don't go over my budget which already is very small (£50 a month to be exact).
I know I know... I could have cancer, HIV, be homeless or unemployed. I could have no family or friends... I could be so poor that I would have to beg on streets and eat rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I realise that my life is pretty damn good when I start comparing to people who are in real need... but I can't help also comparing myself to people whose life is going well.
For example... I just had two girls visiting me from Finland for the weekend. Both of them earn less than me yet they were spending hundreds of pounds in the shops of London buying clothes and shoes. I was walking with them, looking at the beautiful things and not buying anything... since I didn't have any money, even buying the train ticket to go out with the girls was way over my budget.
I hope I get everything sorted out soon... I wouldn't mind going to the hair dressers and sometimes spend some money on clothes. I can't remember the last time I actually went shopping for clothes... It was a long time ago.
I can't wait to be a woman again!!!
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Broken? not yet
I think I am a broken woman.
I have changed from a person who couldn’t get over her own image in a mirror to someone who avoids mirrors or any places where I would be exposed to people looking at me.
I have become very anti social and like to keep to myself a lot.
I don’t know what has happened but I feel that I am only a shadow of what I used to be. I don’t recognise the girl from the pictures from my past.
For some reason I can’t trust anyone anymore, I can’t show anyone who I really am. I am a thin copy of the person I was to the outsiders who don’t know me – and that image still keeps me going, gets me jobs and make people think I am a nice person… until they spend a little time with me and they realize that it was only an echo of a person who is hollow inside.
I don’t have any friends anymore, I don’t have much family… I don’t have a partner and I will probably live my life very alone because this is the path laid in front of me.
It is really sad to think about this all… I don’t even know myself who I am anymore. I am a control freak who slacks in everything that requires effort from herself… I am lazy and I lack discipline to achieve anything more in life.
I know people feel sorry for me sometimes... They can see how depressing my life is… how alone I am. But they also see that I have built huge walls around me and it’s not worth the effort to try to break them. The person inside is not worth anything anymore.
I have no idea why I have become like this… it probably is a sum of all the things that has happened to me. I feel that I truly am alone in this world and there is no point putting my hope and trust in people because they will just end up disappearing from my life one way or another.
When you stroll in the park a bit bored, you pick up your phone and call someone… you usually have a few people you can call and chat away. I have two… my sister and my mom. I am really scared of my mother passing away… she is not THAT old yet, but in 10 years she will be and I will probably be in same spot in my life in 10 years as I am now… and it really is scary… I don’t want to be where I am now in 10 years… In 10 years I want to have a child… I want to have a family of my own… but the way things are going I won’t have any of that because my stupid mind and soul will push everyone I know away from my life…
How can I get my self esteem back? How can I re-build my trust in people?
I think I will be fine though… I think …. Maybe I am thinking this just because of the circumstances I am in right now in my life…
I’ll blough through I think… I need to keep my chin up and keep smiling…
I have changed from a person who couldn’t get over her own image in a mirror to someone who avoids mirrors or any places where I would be exposed to people looking at me.
I have become very anti social and like to keep to myself a lot.
I don’t know what has happened but I feel that I am only a shadow of what I used to be. I don’t recognise the girl from the pictures from my past.
For some reason I can’t trust anyone anymore, I can’t show anyone who I really am. I am a thin copy of the person I was to the outsiders who don’t know me – and that image still keeps me going, gets me jobs and make people think I am a nice person… until they spend a little time with me and they realize that it was only an echo of a person who is hollow inside.
I don’t have any friends anymore, I don’t have much family… I don’t have a partner and I will probably live my life very alone because this is the path laid in front of me.
It is really sad to think about this all… I don’t even know myself who I am anymore. I am a control freak who slacks in everything that requires effort from herself… I am lazy and I lack discipline to achieve anything more in life.
I know people feel sorry for me sometimes... They can see how depressing my life is… how alone I am. But they also see that I have built huge walls around me and it’s not worth the effort to try to break them. The person inside is not worth anything anymore.
I have no idea why I have become like this… it probably is a sum of all the things that has happened to me. I feel that I truly am alone in this world and there is no point putting my hope and trust in people because they will just end up disappearing from my life one way or another.
When you stroll in the park a bit bored, you pick up your phone and call someone… you usually have a few people you can call and chat away. I have two… my sister and my mom. I am really scared of my mother passing away… she is not THAT old yet, but in 10 years she will be and I will probably be in same spot in my life in 10 years as I am now… and it really is scary… I don’t want to be where I am now in 10 years… In 10 years I want to have a child… I want to have a family of my own… but the way things are going I won’t have any of that because my stupid mind and soul will push everyone I know away from my life…
How can I get my self esteem back? How can I re-build my trust in people?
I think I will be fine though… I think …. Maybe I am thinking this just because of the circumstances I am in right now in my life…
I’ll blough through I think… I need to keep my chin up and keep smiling…
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Summer of 2010 was not that great....
Been ages again since I last posted anything... My life has been a bit of a rollercoaster with a very long downhill that doesn't seem to end...
So in April I left Ceridian, the job I had been in for almost two years. I worked for Lloyds bank for a few months and then got a great offer from one of my old clients from the time when I was still at Ceridian. I started working for Epson near Hemel Hempstead and it was taking me 3 hours (or sometimes more) to travel to work and back. It was horrible.
In June I had moved in with one of my friends (ex-friend now) which was probably one of the biggest mistakes I have done in my life (yes even the stupidest ones don't count). On the 1st week of our tenancy she started telling me how she wanted to move out... I was not happy. Then we started arquing about everything... I wasn't creating a family athmosphere to the house, I was building a wall between her and myself... and so on. She was determined to make me feel bad about myself when all I wanted to have was some privacy. I am not a person that shares everything with other people... I actually dont share much at all. I tried to tell that to her but with no success... she didn't see my side of things at all.
With all this stress added to the stress of travelling back and forth to work I felt that if I didn't do something, I would simply burnout and then I would really be in trouble - I don't want to mess with my health.
One night after I had been listening my "friend" once again telling me how selfish and rude person I was I went online and found myself a new flat to move to. Few weeks after I told my "friend" that I was moving and was going to sublet the room. Of course she kicked up a fuzz about it and now I am in the middle of sorting everything out. I can't wait for December when I can get my name off the contract but I just know that there will be some thunder along the way and I will need help from greater powers to get through this all.
I have not had time for anything else in my life really. My mind has been filled with panic, stress and fear that this woman I once used to call my friend will ruin my life.
Please don't let it be so.
At least I am going to Finland in 2 weeks time, hope that helps me relax a bit.
So in April I left Ceridian, the job I had been in for almost two years. I worked for Lloyds bank for a few months and then got a great offer from one of my old clients from the time when I was still at Ceridian. I started working for Epson near Hemel Hempstead and it was taking me 3 hours (or sometimes more) to travel to work and back. It was horrible.
In June I had moved in with one of my friends (ex-friend now) which was probably one of the biggest mistakes I have done in my life (yes even the stupidest ones don't count). On the 1st week of our tenancy she started telling me how she wanted to move out... I was not happy. Then we started arquing about everything... I wasn't creating a family athmosphere to the house, I was building a wall between her and myself... and so on. She was determined to make me feel bad about myself when all I wanted to have was some privacy. I am not a person that shares everything with other people... I actually dont share much at all. I tried to tell that to her but with no success... she didn't see my side of things at all.
With all this stress added to the stress of travelling back and forth to work I felt that if I didn't do something, I would simply burnout and then I would really be in trouble - I don't want to mess with my health.
One night after I had been listening my "friend" once again telling me how selfish and rude person I was I went online and found myself a new flat to move to. Few weeks after I told my "friend" that I was moving and was going to sublet the room. Of course she kicked up a fuzz about it and now I am in the middle of sorting everything out. I can't wait for December when I can get my name off the contract but I just know that there will be some thunder along the way and I will need help from greater powers to get through this all.
I have not had time for anything else in my life really. My mind has been filled with panic, stress and fear that this woman I once used to call my friend will ruin my life.
Please don't let it be so.
At least I am going to Finland in 2 weeks time, hope that helps me relax a bit.
Monday, 10 May 2010
guys...
I am so frustrated with people. Why can’t people just be open and honest with their feelings and intentions?
Well, I am actually the worst person to criticise that considering I have been leading people on all my life… But I have to say that when it happens to you, it is really annoying and frustrating.
Ok, so I met this nice guy last week. We got on really well and seemed to have a lot in common. I found his stories very interesting and when I left to go home that evening he sent me a message saying he had a great evening and that he was looking forward to seeing me again.
So we met on Saturday, went for a meal and some drinks. He walked me home and well, one thing lead to another and he ended up staying the night. We spent half of the Sunday together as well and we really had a good time (or at least that is what I thought).
When we were saying good byes I suggested that we go see stand up comedy during the week. He thought it was a good idea and we agreed to meet on Wednesday. I jokingly said “if you want to meet me earlier you can” and he got this weird look on his face. I don’t know what it really was but it was a bit like fear or that he was very uncomfortable. He said he couldn’t on Monday because he is going out with friends and Tuesday was his dad’s birthday and that he needed to call his dad… It was very strange, he just said that he wanted to keep Tuesday free for that reason. Tuesday wouldn’t have worked for me anyway – I probably should have told him that – but the way he made it sound like was just very strange for me.
Well… today I sent him a lovey dovey message saying that I am looking forward to seeing him on Wednesday and that we should book the tickets to the comedy he simply responded saying, the tickets are £20, is that ok with you? I wanted to respond and say “you obviously don’t want to see me or you really don’t know how to talk to women”. I am not expecting him to pay for everything but jeez, at least he could have said that he was looking forward to it as well.
I don’t know why I can’t meet a proper guy anymore… a guy that really wants to be with me and who I want to be with as well. Now it seems to be that if I meet a guy that I like the guy is not very interested for very long. I can’t help it but I start to think that there is something wrong with me. Like… I meet guys who want to be with me… they are usually the shy/ugly/boring ones who I really don’t have any interest in. I really want to be with someone nice that I like hanging out with… I am not asking much.
Like this guy… he is ok looking but he certainly is no Greek God. He looks pretty fat without clothes and has hair on his back…
I am not a supermodel and my backside is filled with cellulite but I am a smart, good looking and funny. I am very independent and have my own things that I do in life. Why are these men playing with me!?
Like Matt (yeah I can call him with his name now) – I have not heard from him since he had his revelation. I can’t simply cut people from my life as if they never existed. I wouldn’t want to either…
I don’t know… Maybe it is this country or are the men the same all over the world?
Well, with this new guy I am actually just going to see what happens. I won’t jump into a relationship with him just because we are getting along well. He needs to earn his time with me… my time is important as well. It is just weird… for me, if I like someone I put them first. In here all I have met was guys who put me to a veeery far position from the top. I don’t know… maybe it’s just me… Maybe I am just awesome haha.
Well, I am actually the worst person to criticise that considering I have been leading people on all my life… But I have to say that when it happens to you, it is really annoying and frustrating.
Ok, so I met this nice guy last week. We got on really well and seemed to have a lot in common. I found his stories very interesting and when I left to go home that evening he sent me a message saying he had a great evening and that he was looking forward to seeing me again.
So we met on Saturday, went for a meal and some drinks. He walked me home and well, one thing lead to another and he ended up staying the night. We spent half of the Sunday together as well and we really had a good time (or at least that is what I thought).
When we were saying good byes I suggested that we go see stand up comedy during the week. He thought it was a good idea and we agreed to meet on Wednesday. I jokingly said “if you want to meet me earlier you can” and he got this weird look on his face. I don’t know what it really was but it was a bit like fear or that he was very uncomfortable. He said he couldn’t on Monday because he is going out with friends and Tuesday was his dad’s birthday and that he needed to call his dad… It was very strange, he just said that he wanted to keep Tuesday free for that reason. Tuesday wouldn’t have worked for me anyway – I probably should have told him that – but the way he made it sound like was just very strange for me.
Well… today I sent him a lovey dovey message saying that I am looking forward to seeing him on Wednesday and that we should book the tickets to the comedy he simply responded saying, the tickets are £20, is that ok with you? I wanted to respond and say “you obviously don’t want to see me or you really don’t know how to talk to women”. I am not expecting him to pay for everything but jeez, at least he could have said that he was looking forward to it as well.
I don’t know why I can’t meet a proper guy anymore… a guy that really wants to be with me and who I want to be with as well. Now it seems to be that if I meet a guy that I like the guy is not very interested for very long. I can’t help it but I start to think that there is something wrong with me. Like… I meet guys who want to be with me… they are usually the shy/ugly/boring ones who I really don’t have any interest in. I really want to be with someone nice that I like hanging out with… I am not asking much.
Like this guy… he is ok looking but he certainly is no Greek God. He looks pretty fat without clothes and has hair on his back…
I am not a supermodel and my backside is filled with cellulite but I am a smart, good looking and funny. I am very independent and have my own things that I do in life. Why are these men playing with me!?
Like Matt (yeah I can call him with his name now) – I have not heard from him since he had his revelation. I can’t simply cut people from my life as if they never existed. I wouldn’t want to either…
I don’t know… Maybe it is this country or are the men the same all over the world?
Well, with this new guy I am actually just going to see what happens. I won’t jump into a relationship with him just because we are getting along well. He needs to earn his time with me… my time is important as well. It is just weird… for me, if I like someone I put them first. In here all I have met was guys who put me to a veeery far position from the top. I don’t know… maybe it’s just me… Maybe I am just awesome haha.
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Well, maybe there really is God because last weeks I have been drowned in work and I have not have time to think or really feel anything.
I did feel anxious every time my train passed my ex's house but it's getting a lot better now and I am starting to think that he rly wasn't my boyfriend anyway. I didn't even love him... I just liked doing stuff with him and there was a reason why I started asking the crucial questions.
So I am quite happy at the moment. I have been thinking about my life and realized that I don't have to live to the norm that everyone is expecting to. I can do whatever I want to and it is not the only way to live a life to have a child and a nice family. I want to travel again and maybe start studying again FULL TIME ... maybe I am now mature enough for that.
Anyway... As always life goes on and I need to start to concentrate on the positive.
I did feel anxious every time my train passed my ex's house but it's getting a lot better now and I am starting to think that he rly wasn't my boyfriend anyway. I didn't even love him... I just liked doing stuff with him and there was a reason why I started asking the crucial questions.
So I am quite happy at the moment. I have been thinking about my life and realized that I don't have to live to the norm that everyone is expecting to. I can do whatever I want to and it is not the only way to live a life to have a child and a nice family. I want to travel again and maybe start studying again FULL TIME ... maybe I am now mature enough for that.
Anyway... As always life goes on and I need to start to concentrate on the positive.
Sunday, 18 April 2010
please let me get happy soon...
So... my life is such a fu#king roller coaster and I am getting sick of it. I don't want to do all this stuff anymore...
So... I raised a grievance at work because they screwed me out of my annual bonus for resigning 3 days too early. Well, I quit my job (and left all my dear friends there) and as it happened, this weekend also broke up with my boyfriend (?) that I had been going out with for 4 months.
--- (?) because I didn't know if we were a real couple yet anyway ---
Well.. I am sad about it because I liked hanging out with this guy. We did lots of fun stuff together and I was looking forward to summer, hanging out in the parks, having picnics etc.
So here's what happened:
On Thursday after my leaving party we came to my house and I asked him if he really wanted to be with me. The reason I asked that was because I have had this feeling that his trips, hobbies, friends etc. was taking so much of his time. Every weekend he was busy doing something else that being with me. If he happened to have a free evening he would call me and do something with me.. but ONLY if nothing else was already booked for that evening. So... I told him that, I also told him how I felt bad that he didn't invite me to his holiday even though he had told me before he would like to go on a holiday with me. And then we went to sleep...
SO yesterday (saturday) I called him to ask him if we were going out that night and he told me that he had been doing thinking and that he agreed with me that he really hasn't been putting me first and that he hasn't been fair with me...AND that he is not ready for another relationship. Ok, he divorced from his wife a year and a bit ago... I was and am so angry with him. He has been introducing me as his girlfriend and I have met his friends etc. ... what a waste of time.
So yesterday and last night I was crying my eyes out and been having a horrible headache and buffy eyes today because of it. I don't know what to do or think. It is a beautiful day outside and I feel that the world is mocking me by brining out the couples walking hand in hand on the street, eating strawberries on the grass etc. I was supposed to do that this summer but looks like I will be alone as always.
I also feel really old now... I am 30 and I have no boyfriend/husband/family/house/career I feel like I have nothing to give anymore to anyone... except hate, anger, bitterness, jealousy and all the other evil feelings out there. I feel that I have lost who I really am and I need to go find it.
So... I have been thinking that after this summer... after I manage to pay a bit of my debt off, I will book a flight to somewhere... for week/month/year and try to find the lost soul. I am not this person who lives this half life in London at the moment. I am fun and adventurous... I really am.
Well... my life will change from today onwards. I will now get up my ass and go outside. It is so nice and sunny... and I need to gather myself anyway... I am stressed enough to just sit home and feel sorry for myself. Wish I had more friends/family close by so I could hang out with them more.
Please God, give me strength.
So... I raised a grievance at work because they screwed me out of my annual bonus for resigning 3 days too early. Well, I quit my job (and left all my dear friends there) and as it happened, this weekend also broke up with my boyfriend (?) that I had been going out with for 4 months.
--- (?) because I didn't know if we were a real couple yet anyway ---
Well.. I am sad about it because I liked hanging out with this guy. We did lots of fun stuff together and I was looking forward to summer, hanging out in the parks, having picnics etc.
So here's what happened:
On Thursday after my leaving party we came to my house and I asked him if he really wanted to be with me. The reason I asked that was because I have had this feeling that his trips, hobbies, friends etc. was taking so much of his time. Every weekend he was busy doing something else that being with me. If he happened to have a free evening he would call me and do something with me.. but ONLY if nothing else was already booked for that evening. So... I told him that, I also told him how I felt bad that he didn't invite me to his holiday even though he had told me before he would like to go on a holiday with me. And then we went to sleep...
SO yesterday (saturday) I called him to ask him if we were going out that night and he told me that he had been doing thinking and that he agreed with me that he really hasn't been putting me first and that he hasn't been fair with me...AND that he is not ready for another relationship. Ok, he divorced from his wife a year and a bit ago... I was and am so angry with him. He has been introducing me as his girlfriend and I have met his friends etc. ... what a waste of time.
So yesterday and last night I was crying my eyes out and been having a horrible headache and buffy eyes today because of it. I don't know what to do or think. It is a beautiful day outside and I feel that the world is mocking me by brining out the couples walking hand in hand on the street, eating strawberries on the grass etc. I was supposed to do that this summer but looks like I will be alone as always.
I also feel really old now... I am 30 and I have no boyfriend/husband/family/house/career I feel like I have nothing to give anymore to anyone... except hate, anger, bitterness, jealousy and all the other evil feelings out there. I feel that I have lost who I really am and I need to go find it.
So... I have been thinking that after this summer... after I manage to pay a bit of my debt off, I will book a flight to somewhere... for week/month/year and try to find the lost soul. I am not this person who lives this half life in London at the moment. I am fun and adventurous... I really am.
Well... my life will change from today onwards. I will now get up my ass and go outside. It is so nice and sunny... and I need to gather myself anyway... I am stressed enough to just sit home and feel sorry for myself. Wish I had more friends/family close by so I could hang out with them more.
Please God, give me strength.
Thursday, 8 April 2010
wind of change
Ok, so I left my resignation to my current work place a few weeks ago and next week is my last day here. I am quite excited as this place has been draining my soul a bit… however I will dearly miss all my friends that I have made in this place because I know in the next place I won’t make friends like here.
But… at least I will be working in the city again and I will get a bit more money… which I soooo need right now.
I am worried that I won’t pass the credit check/security checks for my new job though. Because of the turbulence in my life I have fallen back on some payments in the past and it shows in my credit records. I hate it but there is nothing I can do about it. But, me starting to work in a bank might be a problem, so I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that all is acceptable for my new employer and I can start working there soon.
I have to say I am worried.
I have been really ill for a while and I lost my bonus because I resigned a few days too early… but I am not going into these negative things. I need to try to stay positive because otherwise I will fall into depression.
I have been thinking that I seriously need to start getting into shape and get myself fit again. I feel that I am a shadow of who I am and I should really do something about it so I can start living my life again.
So… since summer is coming and sun seems to be out more, I now make a promise that I will go for a walk every day when it is not raining. I will walk up the Alexandra Palace hill, down towards Crouch end and then home. I will check the time it takes me to do that and if it is less than 30 minutes, I will need to add something to it. Eventually it will lead into running and then getting back to better health.
The fact is, I like good food and I won’t be able to stop eating good food for a long time (or make a life style change, like the health freaks call it) but what I can do is burn more energy so I can eat all that food and not get fat. I am not 19 anymore so I have to start looking after myself and make sure I will look young in the future as well. I have already started to deteriorate but it is never too late to get back in the game. 30-45 mins day to completely dedicate to myself is not much and it will do so good for me. Now to only stick to it… wish me luck.
I want to love my life again and I think the only way to do that is to get back in shape, buy beautiful clothes and celebrate the fact that I am an independent woman living in one of the most vibrant cities in the world… I can do it, I just have to get the motivation from somewhere!!! Maybe I should hang up posters of fit and beautiful women on my walls….
But… at least I will be working in the city again and I will get a bit more money… which I soooo need right now.
I am worried that I won’t pass the credit check/security checks for my new job though. Because of the turbulence in my life I have fallen back on some payments in the past and it shows in my credit records. I hate it but there is nothing I can do about it. But, me starting to work in a bank might be a problem, so I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that all is acceptable for my new employer and I can start working there soon.
I have to say I am worried.
I have been really ill for a while and I lost my bonus because I resigned a few days too early… but I am not going into these negative things. I need to try to stay positive because otherwise I will fall into depression.
I have been thinking that I seriously need to start getting into shape and get myself fit again. I feel that I am a shadow of who I am and I should really do something about it so I can start living my life again.
So… since summer is coming and sun seems to be out more, I now make a promise that I will go for a walk every day when it is not raining. I will walk up the Alexandra Palace hill, down towards Crouch end and then home. I will check the time it takes me to do that and if it is less than 30 minutes, I will need to add something to it. Eventually it will lead into running and then getting back to better health.
The fact is, I like good food and I won’t be able to stop eating good food for a long time (or make a life style change, like the health freaks call it) but what I can do is burn more energy so I can eat all that food and not get fat. I am not 19 anymore so I have to start looking after myself and make sure I will look young in the future as well. I have already started to deteriorate but it is never too late to get back in the game. 30-45 mins day to completely dedicate to myself is not much and it will do so good for me. Now to only stick to it… wish me luck.
I want to love my life again and I think the only way to do that is to get back in shape, buy beautiful clothes and celebrate the fact that I am an independent woman living in one of the most vibrant cities in the world… I can do it, I just have to get the motivation from somewhere!!! Maybe I should hang up posters of fit and beautiful women on my walls….
Friday, 19 March 2010
So, I am going to a place called Rugby today... and staying there until Sunday. I am going there to meet my hmm.. boyfriends (?) friends and spend a weekend up there. I am not looking forward to it AT ALL and I actually don't want to go but I promised.
The questionmark above means that I don't know if he is my boyfriend... Are we in a relationship? I don't know... how do you know?
Well, I am not so sure about him anyway so I am not worried... maybe that's why I don't really want to go... I don't know...
But the fact is that I am going and hmm... I am hating it already.
ANYWAY
So I got a call from a recruiter today - They asked me if I was interested in a role at one of the banks in London - I said yes but they haven't called me back... ARGH I hate this. They get me all happy and then little by little they chip the happiness away and then push me a little deeper in the selfpity. Hmm, let me call him back actually...
Ok I called him back and YAY, I got an interview for Tuesday afternoon!!! Now... I have to come up with something why I will be away from the office.. uhm... Dentist appointment coming up maybe?
Ahhhh, someone wants to see me, I am sooo happy! :)
The questionmark above means that I don't know if he is my boyfriend... Are we in a relationship? I don't know... how do you know?
Well, I am not so sure about him anyway so I am not worried... maybe that's why I don't really want to go... I don't know...
But the fact is that I am going and hmm... I am hating it already.
ANYWAY
So I got a call from a recruiter today - They asked me if I was interested in a role at one of the banks in London - I said yes but they haven't called me back... ARGH I hate this. They get me all happy and then little by little they chip the happiness away and then push me a little deeper in the selfpity. Hmm, let me call him back actually...
Ok I called him back and YAY, I got an interview for Tuesday afternoon!!! Now... I have to come up with something why I will be away from the office.. uhm... Dentist appointment coming up maybe?
Ahhhh, someone wants to see me, I am sooo happy! :)
Friday, 19 February 2010
Today is not a good day
Everything feels so bleeh today... I am jealous of everyone and basically filled with these horrible weird self hatered feelings... what's going on?!
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
My invisible friend
Another thing I want to write about is my friend who I have never met…
So, what to do when you have a really good friend online which you talk every day for hours, play games together and sometimes just keep the line open to keep each other company but you don’t quite feel the same way about each other?
Well, about 2 years ago I made a friend online in a game and ever since we have been talking with each other a lot and basically sharing all the little secrets with each other. At one point I did feel very close in more romantic level as well, but quite quickly brushed those thoughts from my head as I am 30, he is 21, I live in UK, he lives in US, I have a steady job, he works on and off in various fast food restaurants etc. the list could seriously go on and on and I am no longer 18 with pink spectacles on thinking that love has no boundaries etc. I have been through some real turbulence in my love life and the moment trouble raises it’s ugly head I kind of give up and look something else. I am done with taking care of stupid things that just waste my time… it’s time something is done for me. Now… if he was a wealthy, late 20s or early 30s man with some sense of what should be done to marry a woman in another country… then MAYBE, but not 21 year old who can’t even get rent paid…
I don’t mean to talk down about him but that’s a simple raw fact of life and I can’t change it….
He would be better off with some 20-year-old girl from his neighbourhood, I know he would make someone very happy, unfortunately that won’t be me.
But anyway, my dilemma is that I don’t know what to do with him. I need to tell him sooner or later that there will never be a happy ending for me and him, but he doesn’t seem to live in the same reality with me. I have told him not to wait for me and that I wasn’t his girlfriend, but the way he talks about me is as if I was a god.
Don’t get me wrong I actually love him. He is my best friend and I feel this love for him what I would feel towards my little brother. He is amazing person and I hope we will always be good friends… but that’s what I want us to be, friends, not lovers.
AND YET, I have never met this person in real life… Internet is such a weird thing. Weird and wonderful.
So, what to do when you have a really good friend online which you talk every day for hours, play games together and sometimes just keep the line open to keep each other company but you don’t quite feel the same way about each other?
Well, about 2 years ago I made a friend online in a game and ever since we have been talking with each other a lot and basically sharing all the little secrets with each other. At one point I did feel very close in more romantic level as well, but quite quickly brushed those thoughts from my head as I am 30, he is 21, I live in UK, he lives in US, I have a steady job, he works on and off in various fast food restaurants etc. the list could seriously go on and on and I am no longer 18 with pink spectacles on thinking that love has no boundaries etc. I have been through some real turbulence in my love life and the moment trouble raises it’s ugly head I kind of give up and look something else. I am done with taking care of stupid things that just waste my time… it’s time something is done for me. Now… if he was a wealthy, late 20s or early 30s man with some sense of what should be done to marry a woman in another country… then MAYBE, but not 21 year old who can’t even get rent paid…
I don’t mean to talk down about him but that’s a simple raw fact of life and I can’t change it….
He would be better off with some 20-year-old girl from his neighbourhood, I know he would make someone very happy, unfortunately that won’t be me.
But anyway, my dilemma is that I don’t know what to do with him. I need to tell him sooner or later that there will never be a happy ending for me and him, but he doesn’t seem to live in the same reality with me. I have told him not to wait for me and that I wasn’t his girlfriend, but the way he talks about me is as if I was a god.
Don’t get me wrong I actually love him. He is my best friend and I feel this love for him what I would feel towards my little brother. He is amazing person and I hope we will always be good friends… but that’s what I want us to be, friends, not lovers.
AND YET, I have never met this person in real life… Internet is such a weird thing. Weird and wonderful.
Cocaine
So, today I think I will tell you a little bit about something I am not so proud of.
Year ago when the year changed from 2008 to 2009 I felt very adventurous and acquired some coacaine to boost up the New Year party.
I have to say that the moment I snorted that lovely angel dust to my nose I was so hooked and it took me a LONG TIME to get rid of the feeling…
You know sometimes when you are in the right kind of mood when you feel really confident, alert, social and smart… you feel like nothing is impossible for you…. Well… that’s how cocaine makes you feel. It doesn’t make you dizzy - quite the opposite If you are really drunk and you take some “gear” (as the people in the scene seem to call it) you suddenly feel all alert and clear headed again. Cocaine can keep you going for days without sleep, food or drink… it’s insane. But something else which is insane is the feeling after you stop taking it. You can’t sleep because your body is working on hyper speed, you start to shake and feel hollow (you know the feeling when you haven’t slept for days, hungry, dehydrated etc.).
After that new years party (which lasted for 3+ days) I did cocaine few times on some random nights out. I met some scary people… people whose life was dictated by drugs. I saw a guy run for his life (for real) while I had to quietly disappear from the scene or I might have been next in the line. I met a guy who had spent £2000 for a nose operation because he had destroyed his nose by taking too much cocaine…. And yet there he was doing the same shit again. I saw people lie and destroy relationships with girlfriends, mothers etc. because of this wonderful angel dust that made you so confident…
I never really had trouble saying “no I have had enough and will go home/sleep now” but I have to say that I was one of the lucky ones who had still some sense of reality. My “friends” weren’t really like that at all… the saddest thing (and the final “never again”) for me was when I went to visit one of them last summer.
We met in a pub in the middle of the week and I agreed to go visit his house, he had to go home anyway for some reason.
All the windows of the normally quite lovely apartment were covered with blankets, there were bottles of beer, half empty take away food wrappings, toilet paper, cigarettes, ash etc. everywhere and it smelled absolutely horrible. I didn’t even realize what he was doing, until I walked to him in his kitchen and saw him make a line for himself on the table. He asked me to take one too but I declined with disgust shining from my face. He was doing coke, in the middle of the week, by himself in a sad apartment with no sunlight coming in and no plans what was happening for the rest of the week.
I left quite quickly to go home and swore that I will never do cocaine (or any other drug) again. I have seen what it does to people and I never want to end up like that. Fair enough, it made me feel better than I have probably ever felt and ever will, but to me it’s like selling your soul to the devil for some fun and then pay the consequences afterwards.
I am a person who has to see/experience things until I make my judgement and I am lucky that I have been smart enough to make this decision before anything bad happened.
Still today when I see something cocaine related that “addiction” lifts its head and in some weird way I want to do it again… but I know that it’s something I need to just live with. It’s so true that it only takes one time to get addicted to drugs such as cocaine, that’s why I never want to see my kids or anyone really even try it. I know I can control myself, but not all can.
Year ago when the year changed from 2008 to 2009 I felt very adventurous and acquired some coacaine to boost up the New Year party.
I have to say that the moment I snorted that lovely angel dust to my nose I was so hooked and it took me a LONG TIME to get rid of the feeling…
You know sometimes when you are in the right kind of mood when you feel really confident, alert, social and smart… you feel like nothing is impossible for you…. Well… that’s how cocaine makes you feel. It doesn’t make you dizzy - quite the opposite If you are really drunk and you take some “gear” (as the people in the scene seem to call it) you suddenly feel all alert and clear headed again. Cocaine can keep you going for days without sleep, food or drink… it’s insane. But something else which is insane is the feeling after you stop taking it. You can’t sleep because your body is working on hyper speed, you start to shake and feel hollow (you know the feeling when you haven’t slept for days, hungry, dehydrated etc.).
After that new years party (which lasted for 3+ days) I did cocaine few times on some random nights out. I met some scary people… people whose life was dictated by drugs. I saw a guy run for his life (for real) while I had to quietly disappear from the scene or I might have been next in the line. I met a guy who had spent £2000 for a nose operation because he had destroyed his nose by taking too much cocaine…. And yet there he was doing the same shit again. I saw people lie and destroy relationships with girlfriends, mothers etc. because of this wonderful angel dust that made you so confident…
I never really had trouble saying “no I have had enough and will go home/sleep now” but I have to say that I was one of the lucky ones who had still some sense of reality. My “friends” weren’t really like that at all… the saddest thing (and the final “never again”) for me was when I went to visit one of them last summer.
We met in a pub in the middle of the week and I agreed to go visit his house, he had to go home anyway for some reason.
All the windows of the normally quite lovely apartment were covered with blankets, there were bottles of beer, half empty take away food wrappings, toilet paper, cigarettes, ash etc. everywhere and it smelled absolutely horrible. I didn’t even realize what he was doing, until I walked to him in his kitchen and saw him make a line for himself on the table. He asked me to take one too but I declined with disgust shining from my face. He was doing coke, in the middle of the week, by himself in a sad apartment with no sunlight coming in and no plans what was happening for the rest of the week.
I left quite quickly to go home and swore that I will never do cocaine (or any other drug) again. I have seen what it does to people and I never want to end up like that. Fair enough, it made me feel better than I have probably ever felt and ever will, but to me it’s like selling your soul to the devil for some fun and then pay the consequences afterwards.
I am a person who has to see/experience things until I make my judgement and I am lucky that I have been smart enough to make this decision before anything bad happened.
Still today when I see something cocaine related that “addiction” lifts its head and in some weird way I want to do it again… but I know that it’s something I need to just live with. It’s so true that it only takes one time to get addicted to drugs such as cocaine, that’s why I never want to see my kids or anyone really even try it. I know I can control myself, but not all can.
2010 will be my year
So how has the 2010 started?
Well, I’m broke… I have no money what so ever but yet I manage to make quite a good life for myself. I’ve been paying this really expensive gym for few months now where I go like once a month… I cancelled it because I would really like to get rid of my debt… You have no idea how it is always in the back of my mind saying “you are poor, you are poor”.
Without my debt I would have quite a lot of money for myself… I could buy a luxury holiday with one month pay and still be quite well off (well, better off than what I am now…) SO… My aim now is to create some self discipline with money and simply say “no I can’t afford this right now” and try to get rid of my debt once and for all.
I made some calculations and if I stick to my plan, I should be able to live without my debt by November 2010… BUT this means… no trips, no expensive makeup, no hair extensions, no new computer gadgets (LIKE PS3!!) etc. unless I can afford it without taking another loan.
I can’t wait to feel debt free and be able to live like a real 30 year old woman should live like in London.
But if I put the money situation apart… I do have some positive news about my life.
I have met a nice guy.
We met on a dating site on the internet and we really hit it off the first moment we met. We ended up having a crazy night out (well, kinda crazy when you think we got wasted on the day we met…lol classy) but ever since we have been pretty inseparable. We have done lots together and I have a very good feeling about this all…
Well, I’m broke… I have no money what so ever but yet I manage to make quite a good life for myself. I’ve been paying this really expensive gym for few months now where I go like once a month… I cancelled it because I would really like to get rid of my debt… You have no idea how it is always in the back of my mind saying “you are poor, you are poor”.
Without my debt I would have quite a lot of money for myself… I could buy a luxury holiday with one month pay and still be quite well off (well, better off than what I am now…) SO… My aim now is to create some self discipline with money and simply say “no I can’t afford this right now” and try to get rid of my debt once and for all.
I made some calculations and if I stick to my plan, I should be able to live without my debt by November 2010… BUT this means… no trips, no expensive makeup, no hair extensions, no new computer gadgets (LIKE PS3!!) etc. unless I can afford it without taking another loan.
I can’t wait to feel debt free and be able to live like a real 30 year old woman should live like in London.
But if I put the money situation apart… I do have some positive news about my life.
I have met a nice guy.
We met on a dating site on the internet and we really hit it off the first moment we met. We ended up having a crazy night out (well, kinda crazy when you think we got wasted on the day we met…lol classy) but ever since we have been pretty inseparable. We have done lots together and I have a very good feeling about this all…
India... amongst one of the mistakes of 2009
Ok… so here I am now a bit over a year later. I am now 30 and looking back to the year passed I have to say that it did improve slightly but I am still a bit stuck in a rut.
My credit card bill is still as much as it was a year ago and I got to a point with my money that I was really getting in trouble. Luckily that guy (who I wrote about above) was kind enough to lend me some money to get back on my feet but I am far far away from what I actually need to be. BUT I am getting there.
So… in March I flew to India with this wonderful person I had met. We started arguing already at the airport because I couldn’t keep up with his super speed walking. In the plain he chose the isle seat because he didn’t want to sit next to a stranger (I wasn’t asked if I minded…) and then 2 hours in to the flight he started complaining that he didn’t like sitting next to the isle because people passing by was pumping into him all the time… I was just biting my lip when I stood up and swapped seats with him…
Well, we arrived in sunny Goa few hours later and took a cab to our resort. We didn’t have any accommodation reserved so we ended up walking on the sandy pathway carrying our heavy bags, trying to find some place to crash for the night. Prior the trip my companion had convinced me that we didn’t need to book anything in advance because he knew where we were going but, like you probably guessed, the reality turned out to be slightly different. I made a crucial mistake of asking where we were going after 5 minutes of walking. I got a really angry snap back that he had no f…..ing idea and that I should sometimes think for myself. Which I then ended up doing by walking to the nearest hotel and getting us a place for the night… and for him for the rest of his holiday.
So… the beginning of our romantic holiday in India wasn’t the best possible, but I was keeping positive that once the stress of the travelling passed we would be able to start enjoying ourselves.
On the first evening in the resort, we went to one of the clubs where we met lots of nice people around the world, but there was one thing that everyone seemed to have in common… and that was drugs. Weed, cocaine, ecstasy… you name it. It was very easily available (yes even though everyone always said that if you get caught with drugs you get very long sentences in India). I have never been too keen on drugs – only tried cocaine few times in my whole life and knowing how addicting it can be, never have had a big interest to do anything like that again.
But unfortunately I can’t say the same about my partner. When he got the taste of “fun” he went with it until his body would simply stop working. He didn’t know when to stop and unfortunately he had lots of like minded people around him. I went to sleep a lot before him (even though that was like 7am) and his party lasted for days. He would occasionally come back to the room and attempt to sleep for a bit but anyone who has ever done any drugs knows that one side effect these happy pills bring you is insomnia. The heat didn’t make things any easier either.
I was trying to enjoy my holiday by myself – going to the beach, shopping etc. by myself. Then at some point when I was sleeping in the hotel room (this must have been like the 3rd or the 4th night) I was woken up by this guy shouting insults at me, how I wasn’t interested in him at all, how I just used him and basically made him feel horrible etc.. He told me that he would only abuse me verbally for the time being… and that he did… he kept me in constant fear that he was going to hurt me and while he was doing that, he always remembered to tell me how horrible person I was, how boring and always on a look out to some other guys.
I knew it was the drugs and alcohol shouting at me, but we have all heard stories of someone killing another person because little green men told him to do so when they were on one of the LSD trips. I was scared for my life and I was on another side of the world.
One of the days when he was trying to sleep his drunkenness away I decided to leave him to his misery. I couldn’t take the risk of getting injured or murdered in another country by some insane person. I packed my bags as quietly as possible, fetched my passport from the reception of the hotel (I lied to the reception that I was just going for a few day trip to Mumbai so he could keep the hotel, didn’t want him to realize I was gone) and walked actually just around the corner and booked me a beach hut for few nights. I felt horrible. I was sitting on the porch of my hut feeling like my body was on some weird automated survival mode… I had to get away from the danger and that’s what I had done, but then the reality started to sink in that I had left my new boyfriend that I was supposed to love. He was supposed to take care of me and all that good stuff but he turned out to be this monster that was verbally abusing me and keeping me in fear that if I didn’t do what he wanted, he would hurt me. I started to shiver when I remembered how afraid I had been laying in the hotel room, trying to stay awake because I didn’t want to find myself laying in the pool of blood when I woke up. I remembered a moment when he had run towards my bed… naked, shouting that he was going to rape me soon if I didn’t start paying him more respect and be more interested in him. He was insanely jumping up and down covered in sweat… completely butt naked. I tried to explain to him that I can’t pretend to be interested in a person who was drunk out of his mind 24/7 (or in God knows what he was taking). This image is actually still really vivid in my mind… But when I was sitting on that porch my mind was trying to process all that had happened to me and I think I started to cry at some point… the night came and with it the darkness… which in Goa can be piercing because sometimes the electricity could go out from the whole Goa for a few minutes, hours, the whole evening.
I tried to enjoy myself the next few days. I went for walks, I ate in restaurants, I had a massage and I went to see how the local people lived. I did shopping and basically tried my best to forget all the horrible things that had happened to me. But I was feeling very lonely and wasn’t in the holiday mood anymore. Then one sunny day I eventually walked into an internet café and started to look for flights back to UK. I only had 1 week to go when my flight would have been anyway, but I felt that I had to get home right there and then and I didn’t want to share a plane with an insane person.
I was surprised how cheap the flights were but they were all from Mumbai… however I was determined and I felt that a little adventure would be good for me – which it was.
I booked my flights and I also managed to book a train ticket for the following day. I was apparently very lucky because the long distance trains are many times fully booked weeks before. Early morning a cab driver drove me to Margao train station and I hopped on my train towards the buzzing city of Mumbai. I met a nice young man from Kerala who was on his way to Mumbai for a back operation. He kept me company for the whole 12 hours. He gave me great insight of the Indian culture and I have to say that the train ride really saved my memories from India. I travelled through areas where I saw children and women carrying water on the top of their head from the wells (just like you see in documentaries from Africa), farmers on the fields with their mules, local shops, chai men, Indian hospitality…. I was the only foreigner in the car and my blond hair was getting lots of attention from everyone. I loved it… I felt I was myself again.
We arrived to Mumbai a bit after 8 in the evening and I was starving. Me and my new acquaintance walked a bit around Mumbai and finally found a place to go eat. Around 10 pm I took a cab from the central Mumbai to the airport, since my flight was leaving at 6 am the next morning. I felt a bit gutted at that point because I wanted to stay longer. I had hastily booked me flights to fly back home because I was running away, but little did I know that India would suck me into it’s crazy rhythm… I hated it and loved it at the same time… but it was very intriguing.
The cab driver must have taken the longest route to the airport because it took a very long time…. We drove through areas with houses (I am not sure if they could have been called houses to be honest) packed next to each other, cars, scooters, little tuktuk’s, pedestrians etc. buzzing around in perfect chaos. The stench of the city was mind blowing… you could see whole families sleeping under cardboard boxes on the street. You could smell the buildings rotting. I never forget the smell, it got to your clothes, your hair… everything. I guess that’s why they use the incense sticks so they wouldn’t smell the rotting city. But I was amazed by everything I saw.
At the airport I gave all the rupees I had left to the cab driver, I must have ended up giving £20-£30 in total to him actually because I didn’t want to go exchange such a small amount of money, only the commission would have taken 3rd of it. The look on the poor man’s face was priceless when he got the money. I probably paid for his Christmas presents for that year or something… people in India do earn so little compared to us, it did make me feel a bit guilty sometimes.
Well, when I finally arrived in UK I got really sick. I was happy to be home, but I was lying in bed for 3 days throwing up every single little thing I tried to put to my mouth. I probably had picked up some bad stomach bug while in India. When I got over that and put my head outside of the door for the 1st time in days, I sprained my ankle and had to visit the hospital twice just to make sure it was fine… I still can’t jump on my ankle like I used to before.
I didn’t hear anything from my ex-boyfriend for weeks… then one day he called me that he had my bike (which he had promised to get me). I found out while I was picking it up that it was stolen as well… I suddenly started to find out that this person was not a very nice person at all and what happened in India was probably a blessing in disguise.
Well, the human nature is very forgiving and I saw him again and again and we even got to the point where we could have been called a couple again I guess. But things were never the same again. I had a weird, unsafe, feeling about him all the time and he was good only if you wanted to go out and have fun. He was rich … he would always pay for everything… without thinking twice. I guess that’s a bit horrible of me, but he kept me entertained in certain level.
In autumn my freedom was snatched from me when my old fling from US (the one that I moved in with and lost £3000 for…) flew over to London and decided that it was ok for him to stay in my flat for free for 3 months, without him paying rent, buying food or contributing to the household expenses in any way. Ok, I have to say that part of that was really my own fault because when we were talking with each other over the internet, I actually told him to come over… little did I know that he wouldn’t have any (I mean literally any) money when he got here and his lazy ass wouldn’t be able to get any kind of work for the whole time.
Since he didn’t have any friends here, no family, work or hobbies either, he started to live his life through me. I had to give him a detailed explanation of my day, people I interacted with etc. He used my money, ate my food and even destroyed parts of my flat which I now need to figure out how to fix or hide efficiently before I plan to move out.
It got to the point that he was reading my phone text messages, my email, spying my letters…. I told him to leave several times, but without any money he didn’t have anywhere to go…So I had to bear with it and put my own happiness to the side once again.
I cut the connection to all the people in my life… everyone… even my dearest friends. I was hibernating until the day he was going to leave… which made me a bit sad because it cast a shadow on my 30th birthday. I had arranged party for my family and friends but there was a feeling of awkwardness in everything because I couldn’t be myself because I would have to explain myself 100 times then if I was.
Then finally a bit over a month ago I was granted my freedom and I was suddenly alone again. I loved it and I am still loving it.
Christmas came and went and I was spending a very relaxing week in Finland around the new years. In the middle of the silence I once again found myself and the peace within (which I have now again almost completely lost being back in UK for 2 weeks) but I did make a promise to myself and that was that I will not let anyone dictate my life again. I will be honest with everything, no more secrets and hiding. I will cut the ties with all old boyfriends and just move on. I have now for a long time been saying that 2010 will be my year and that it will be. I am going to make most of what my little life can offer me.
I already met a nice guy who actually seems genuinely nice and not just from outside. I feel more ease with myself and I will try to get on my feet again with my money. I have created a bad habit of comfort buying which I really need to get rid of…. But besides that, I think I am doing pretty well (better than year ago).
The only thing that came from 2009 was new friends. I have made some really great friends which I know will stay with me for the rest of my life. Just for that 2009 was worth it, but I wish I could just erase the negative things.
So there we go, my adulthood in 7 pages… I should have probably gone in more detail… Which I will do. I will add some random little stories here for sure.
My credit card bill is still as much as it was a year ago and I got to a point with my money that I was really getting in trouble. Luckily that guy (who I wrote about above) was kind enough to lend me some money to get back on my feet but I am far far away from what I actually need to be. BUT I am getting there.
So… in March I flew to India with this wonderful person I had met. We started arguing already at the airport because I couldn’t keep up with his super speed walking. In the plain he chose the isle seat because he didn’t want to sit next to a stranger (I wasn’t asked if I minded…) and then 2 hours in to the flight he started complaining that he didn’t like sitting next to the isle because people passing by was pumping into him all the time… I was just biting my lip when I stood up and swapped seats with him…
Well, we arrived in sunny Goa few hours later and took a cab to our resort. We didn’t have any accommodation reserved so we ended up walking on the sandy pathway carrying our heavy bags, trying to find some place to crash for the night. Prior the trip my companion had convinced me that we didn’t need to book anything in advance because he knew where we were going but, like you probably guessed, the reality turned out to be slightly different. I made a crucial mistake of asking where we were going after 5 minutes of walking. I got a really angry snap back that he had no f…..ing idea and that I should sometimes think for myself. Which I then ended up doing by walking to the nearest hotel and getting us a place for the night… and for him for the rest of his holiday.
So… the beginning of our romantic holiday in India wasn’t the best possible, but I was keeping positive that once the stress of the travelling passed we would be able to start enjoying ourselves.
On the first evening in the resort, we went to one of the clubs where we met lots of nice people around the world, but there was one thing that everyone seemed to have in common… and that was drugs. Weed, cocaine, ecstasy… you name it. It was very easily available (yes even though everyone always said that if you get caught with drugs you get very long sentences in India). I have never been too keen on drugs – only tried cocaine few times in my whole life and knowing how addicting it can be, never have had a big interest to do anything like that again.
But unfortunately I can’t say the same about my partner. When he got the taste of “fun” he went with it until his body would simply stop working. He didn’t know when to stop and unfortunately he had lots of like minded people around him. I went to sleep a lot before him (even though that was like 7am) and his party lasted for days. He would occasionally come back to the room and attempt to sleep for a bit but anyone who has ever done any drugs knows that one side effect these happy pills bring you is insomnia. The heat didn’t make things any easier either.
I was trying to enjoy my holiday by myself – going to the beach, shopping etc. by myself. Then at some point when I was sleeping in the hotel room (this must have been like the 3rd or the 4th night) I was woken up by this guy shouting insults at me, how I wasn’t interested in him at all, how I just used him and basically made him feel horrible etc.. He told me that he would only abuse me verbally for the time being… and that he did… he kept me in constant fear that he was going to hurt me and while he was doing that, he always remembered to tell me how horrible person I was, how boring and always on a look out to some other guys.
I knew it was the drugs and alcohol shouting at me, but we have all heard stories of someone killing another person because little green men told him to do so when they were on one of the LSD trips. I was scared for my life and I was on another side of the world.
One of the days when he was trying to sleep his drunkenness away I decided to leave him to his misery. I couldn’t take the risk of getting injured or murdered in another country by some insane person. I packed my bags as quietly as possible, fetched my passport from the reception of the hotel (I lied to the reception that I was just going for a few day trip to Mumbai so he could keep the hotel, didn’t want him to realize I was gone) and walked actually just around the corner and booked me a beach hut for few nights. I felt horrible. I was sitting on the porch of my hut feeling like my body was on some weird automated survival mode… I had to get away from the danger and that’s what I had done, but then the reality started to sink in that I had left my new boyfriend that I was supposed to love. He was supposed to take care of me and all that good stuff but he turned out to be this monster that was verbally abusing me and keeping me in fear that if I didn’t do what he wanted, he would hurt me. I started to shiver when I remembered how afraid I had been laying in the hotel room, trying to stay awake because I didn’t want to find myself laying in the pool of blood when I woke up. I remembered a moment when he had run towards my bed… naked, shouting that he was going to rape me soon if I didn’t start paying him more respect and be more interested in him. He was insanely jumping up and down covered in sweat… completely butt naked. I tried to explain to him that I can’t pretend to be interested in a person who was drunk out of his mind 24/7 (or in God knows what he was taking). This image is actually still really vivid in my mind… But when I was sitting on that porch my mind was trying to process all that had happened to me and I think I started to cry at some point… the night came and with it the darkness… which in Goa can be piercing because sometimes the electricity could go out from the whole Goa for a few minutes, hours, the whole evening.
I tried to enjoy myself the next few days. I went for walks, I ate in restaurants, I had a massage and I went to see how the local people lived. I did shopping and basically tried my best to forget all the horrible things that had happened to me. But I was feeling very lonely and wasn’t in the holiday mood anymore. Then one sunny day I eventually walked into an internet café and started to look for flights back to UK. I only had 1 week to go when my flight would have been anyway, but I felt that I had to get home right there and then and I didn’t want to share a plane with an insane person.
I was surprised how cheap the flights were but they were all from Mumbai… however I was determined and I felt that a little adventure would be good for me – which it was.
I booked my flights and I also managed to book a train ticket for the following day. I was apparently very lucky because the long distance trains are many times fully booked weeks before. Early morning a cab driver drove me to Margao train station and I hopped on my train towards the buzzing city of Mumbai. I met a nice young man from Kerala who was on his way to Mumbai for a back operation. He kept me company for the whole 12 hours. He gave me great insight of the Indian culture and I have to say that the train ride really saved my memories from India. I travelled through areas where I saw children and women carrying water on the top of their head from the wells (just like you see in documentaries from Africa), farmers on the fields with their mules, local shops, chai men, Indian hospitality…. I was the only foreigner in the car and my blond hair was getting lots of attention from everyone. I loved it… I felt I was myself again.
We arrived to Mumbai a bit after 8 in the evening and I was starving. Me and my new acquaintance walked a bit around Mumbai and finally found a place to go eat. Around 10 pm I took a cab from the central Mumbai to the airport, since my flight was leaving at 6 am the next morning. I felt a bit gutted at that point because I wanted to stay longer. I had hastily booked me flights to fly back home because I was running away, but little did I know that India would suck me into it’s crazy rhythm… I hated it and loved it at the same time… but it was very intriguing.
The cab driver must have taken the longest route to the airport because it took a very long time…. We drove through areas with houses (I am not sure if they could have been called houses to be honest) packed next to each other, cars, scooters, little tuktuk’s, pedestrians etc. buzzing around in perfect chaos. The stench of the city was mind blowing… you could see whole families sleeping under cardboard boxes on the street. You could smell the buildings rotting. I never forget the smell, it got to your clothes, your hair… everything. I guess that’s why they use the incense sticks so they wouldn’t smell the rotting city. But I was amazed by everything I saw.
At the airport I gave all the rupees I had left to the cab driver, I must have ended up giving £20-£30 in total to him actually because I didn’t want to go exchange such a small amount of money, only the commission would have taken 3rd of it. The look on the poor man’s face was priceless when he got the money. I probably paid for his Christmas presents for that year or something… people in India do earn so little compared to us, it did make me feel a bit guilty sometimes.
Well, when I finally arrived in UK I got really sick. I was happy to be home, but I was lying in bed for 3 days throwing up every single little thing I tried to put to my mouth. I probably had picked up some bad stomach bug while in India. When I got over that and put my head outside of the door for the 1st time in days, I sprained my ankle and had to visit the hospital twice just to make sure it was fine… I still can’t jump on my ankle like I used to before.
I didn’t hear anything from my ex-boyfriend for weeks… then one day he called me that he had my bike (which he had promised to get me). I found out while I was picking it up that it was stolen as well… I suddenly started to find out that this person was not a very nice person at all and what happened in India was probably a blessing in disguise.
Well, the human nature is very forgiving and I saw him again and again and we even got to the point where we could have been called a couple again I guess. But things were never the same again. I had a weird, unsafe, feeling about him all the time and he was good only if you wanted to go out and have fun. He was rich … he would always pay for everything… without thinking twice. I guess that’s a bit horrible of me, but he kept me entertained in certain level.
In autumn my freedom was snatched from me when my old fling from US (the one that I moved in with and lost £3000 for…) flew over to London and decided that it was ok for him to stay in my flat for free for 3 months, without him paying rent, buying food or contributing to the household expenses in any way. Ok, I have to say that part of that was really my own fault because when we were talking with each other over the internet, I actually told him to come over… little did I know that he wouldn’t have any (I mean literally any) money when he got here and his lazy ass wouldn’t be able to get any kind of work for the whole time.
Since he didn’t have any friends here, no family, work or hobbies either, he started to live his life through me. I had to give him a detailed explanation of my day, people I interacted with etc. He used my money, ate my food and even destroyed parts of my flat which I now need to figure out how to fix or hide efficiently before I plan to move out.
It got to the point that he was reading my phone text messages, my email, spying my letters…. I told him to leave several times, but without any money he didn’t have anywhere to go…So I had to bear with it and put my own happiness to the side once again.
I cut the connection to all the people in my life… everyone… even my dearest friends. I was hibernating until the day he was going to leave… which made me a bit sad because it cast a shadow on my 30th birthday. I had arranged party for my family and friends but there was a feeling of awkwardness in everything because I couldn’t be myself because I would have to explain myself 100 times then if I was.
Then finally a bit over a month ago I was granted my freedom and I was suddenly alone again. I loved it and I am still loving it.
Christmas came and went and I was spending a very relaxing week in Finland around the new years. In the middle of the silence I once again found myself and the peace within (which I have now again almost completely lost being back in UK for 2 weeks) but I did make a promise to myself and that was that I will not let anyone dictate my life again. I will be honest with everything, no more secrets and hiding. I will cut the ties with all old boyfriends and just move on. I have now for a long time been saying that 2010 will be my year and that it will be. I am going to make most of what my little life can offer me.
I already met a nice guy who actually seems genuinely nice and not just from outside. I feel more ease with myself and I will try to get on my feet again with my money. I have created a bad habit of comfort buying which I really need to get rid of…. But besides that, I think I am doing pretty well (better than year ago).
The only thing that came from 2009 was new friends. I have made some really great friends which I know will stay with me for the rest of my life. Just for that 2009 was worth it, but I wish I could just erase the negative things.
So there we go, my adulthood in 7 pages… I should have probably gone in more detail… Which I will do. I will add some random little stories here for sure.
Should I feel bitter?
Well, the summer 2007 I was very lost with myself. I let a friend of mine come live in my flat for few months and I helped him get a job in London as well, and for a little while we got involved a bit with each other. I wasn’t quite sure what it all was but it didn’t end up pretty. I lend him quite a bit of money but in the end I kicked him out because I couldn’t take his behaviour anymore. To be fair, he was going through rough time as well and two nutters under one roof is not a very good combination… BUT I was the one paying the bills so eventually I got fed up with his “leeching”.
During the summer I talked with the American guy a lot that I had met online. We made this insane plan that in the end of the summer I would quit my job in London, sell my stuff and move to US. I felt like it was going to be my escape from my life, which I had learned to hate.
The guy promised me better life and swore to me that he would take care of me no matter what. I sent him some money for the deposit of a flat in Arizona and in the end of August I flew there. I spent 3 months in Arizona which was probably 2 months and 3 weeks too much. I paid for absolutely everything… my credit card got to severe minus and on many occasions I was starving because we didn’t have money for food. I paid his bills from before and used my last pennies to pay our electricity bill so we could at least turn on the lights from time to time. This was sort of fine with me because this guy had told me that he had been taking care of the rent but in the end (when we got the eviction note) it turned out that he hadn’t been paying that either. Apparently all his money went to his car… I was devastated because my visa was running out and I had no choice but to fly back to Europe (I had bought a return ticket). But I had no idea where I was going to go because I had no money what so ever. I asked the guy I was going out with to help me pay for a flight to Finland but he had no money either and he wasn’t asking help from anyone. Eventually I managed to get money from a friend of mine who paid a flight for me to Finland… but that made me very bitter towards that guy I had been going out with. He had promised me so much but had delivered nothing… and he would have let me go homeless when I needed his help the most.
Well, I left all the furniture, electronics and lots of my clothes to Arizona when I flew back because strangely enough I was still living in the dream that I was going to go back there. Now… over year later, the stuff is still in Arizona… probably landfilling somewhere…. £3000 worth of stuff… Bitter bitter feelings…
Well, I got back to Finland that November and managed to get a job for the Christmas season in a department store. During the 6 weeks I was in Finland I did a lot of soul searching and decided to come back to London eventually. I needed a job that would help me pay back my debt and so the 2008 started.
2008 was not my year at all and if I am completely honest, I wish I could just wipe that year from my life. I didn’t do anything for myself … I devoted my life to other people, paying loans off and trying to survive. I won’t go to the depressing detail because I simply don’t want to remember all that crap but in a nutshell. I got a job… the company went to liquidation, I lost a lot of money again, I went out with a guy that went to jail, I went to see him every weekend… I broke up with a guy, I fell into depression… I quit my job, I got another job… You know, the usual shit that we have to put up with to be alive.
The only good things 2008 gave me was my sister visiting me and me meeting a nice guy in November… (who now is turning out to be not so nice).
I seriously have to start thinking about myself this year because I can’t live a stupid existence anymore….
During the summer I talked with the American guy a lot that I had met online. We made this insane plan that in the end of the summer I would quit my job in London, sell my stuff and move to US. I felt like it was going to be my escape from my life, which I had learned to hate.
The guy promised me better life and swore to me that he would take care of me no matter what. I sent him some money for the deposit of a flat in Arizona and in the end of August I flew there. I spent 3 months in Arizona which was probably 2 months and 3 weeks too much. I paid for absolutely everything… my credit card got to severe minus and on many occasions I was starving because we didn’t have money for food. I paid his bills from before and used my last pennies to pay our electricity bill so we could at least turn on the lights from time to time. This was sort of fine with me because this guy had told me that he had been taking care of the rent but in the end (when we got the eviction note) it turned out that he hadn’t been paying that either. Apparently all his money went to his car… I was devastated because my visa was running out and I had no choice but to fly back to Europe (I had bought a return ticket). But I had no idea where I was going to go because I had no money what so ever. I asked the guy I was going out with to help me pay for a flight to Finland but he had no money either and he wasn’t asking help from anyone. Eventually I managed to get money from a friend of mine who paid a flight for me to Finland… but that made me very bitter towards that guy I had been going out with. He had promised me so much but had delivered nothing… and he would have let me go homeless when I needed his help the most.
Well, I left all the furniture, electronics and lots of my clothes to Arizona when I flew back because strangely enough I was still living in the dream that I was going to go back there. Now… over year later, the stuff is still in Arizona… probably landfilling somewhere…. £3000 worth of stuff… Bitter bitter feelings…
Well, I got back to Finland that November and managed to get a job for the Christmas season in a department store. During the 6 weeks I was in Finland I did a lot of soul searching and decided to come back to London eventually. I needed a job that would help me pay back my debt and so the 2008 started.
2008 was not my year at all and if I am completely honest, I wish I could just wipe that year from my life. I didn’t do anything for myself … I devoted my life to other people, paying loans off and trying to survive. I won’t go to the depressing detail because I simply don’t want to remember all that crap but in a nutshell. I got a job… the company went to liquidation, I lost a lot of money again, I went out with a guy that went to jail, I went to see him every weekend… I broke up with a guy, I fell into depression… I quit my job, I got another job… You know, the usual shit that we have to put up with to be alive.
The only good things 2008 gave me was my sister visiting me and me meeting a nice guy in November… (who now is turning out to be not so nice).
I seriously have to start thinking about myself this year because I can’t live a stupid existence anymore….
Moving to UK...
When I was 25 I moved to UK. I had been seeing a British guy for a while and the long distance relationship was draining our wallets. After few months we started to talk about me moving to London and we set a date for it to be the end of 2005. In December 2005 my boyfriend had bought me a surprise trip to Paris for my birthday – it was great but how little did I know…
On one frosty night we were walking next to the river Seine. Notre Dame was behind us and the sky was clear. Suddenly my boyfriend dropped down on his knees and popped out that question which made me choke for the next two days “Will you marry me…?”. The first thing that came to my mind was pure panic. I told him to get up, I hugged him so he wouldn’t see the terror in my eyes and gasped “yes, ok, I will marry you”. After that I didn’t say a thing… I felt horrible. I explained that I was just in a shock and that I didn’t know how to handle it, but that I would be fine after a night’s sleep.
Next day came and I was still feeling horrible. I was lying on the hotel bed listening my boyfriend talk with his mother that we are getting married… I felt like I had swollen a stone. That day was pretty much the marking point for our relationship because after that everything started to go wrong.
I explained to him that I was not ready to get married just yet and that the timing was horrible because I was just going to move to UK in few weeks… He said he understood, but I could see that his heart was broken.
Well, on Christmas I still moved to UK and we got a … well… not so lovely apartment from west London. The apartment looked nice and had a nice garden, but it was freezing cold… There were huge gaps between the doors and windows and our electricity bill must have been enormous. There were spiders everywhere (yeah, I know, how disgusting!) and in general, it was not a nice place to live. The first few months were not that nice… I was anxious and going through a major cultural shock. Sex died completely and my days consisted of crying, eating and sleeping. I gained so much weight in those first few months (and I am still battling to get rid of the kilos).
After some time I managed to get me a job which seemed to be the thing that really saved my life. I made great new friends there and I started to regain myself a bit. We had some crazy house parties in the apartment before we moved out in the summer to this beautiful apartment in South London.
Outside we were the ideal couple but inside we were just two people living with each other that had nothing in common. In the autumn of 2006 I was introduced to FFXI (an online game) which I got very addicted to for a while. That was the last nail to our coffin called relationship really. I spent all my free time killing goblins and talking to strangers online and I pretty much let my relationship wither away. But I have to say that it wasn’t 100% my fault… I think the effort was lacking on both parties. I met a nice guy online which I went to see in US for a 2 week holiday. It was love at first sight and we swore that we would eventually live together.
Well, spring 2007 I moved to live on my own because me and my boyfriend didn’t want to keep up the appearance anymore. It was a hard thing for me to deal with because I had never lived in UK by myself and I started to ask myself questions such as: “Why would I stay in UK now?”
On one frosty night we were walking next to the river Seine. Notre Dame was behind us and the sky was clear. Suddenly my boyfriend dropped down on his knees and popped out that question which made me choke for the next two days “Will you marry me…?”. The first thing that came to my mind was pure panic. I told him to get up, I hugged him so he wouldn’t see the terror in my eyes and gasped “yes, ok, I will marry you”. After that I didn’t say a thing… I felt horrible. I explained that I was just in a shock and that I didn’t know how to handle it, but that I would be fine after a night’s sleep.
Next day came and I was still feeling horrible. I was lying on the hotel bed listening my boyfriend talk with his mother that we are getting married… I felt like I had swollen a stone. That day was pretty much the marking point for our relationship because after that everything started to go wrong.
I explained to him that I was not ready to get married just yet and that the timing was horrible because I was just going to move to UK in few weeks… He said he understood, but I could see that his heart was broken.
Well, on Christmas I still moved to UK and we got a … well… not so lovely apartment from west London. The apartment looked nice and had a nice garden, but it was freezing cold… There were huge gaps between the doors and windows and our electricity bill must have been enormous. There were spiders everywhere (yeah, I know, how disgusting!) and in general, it was not a nice place to live. The first few months were not that nice… I was anxious and going through a major cultural shock. Sex died completely and my days consisted of crying, eating and sleeping. I gained so much weight in those first few months (and I am still battling to get rid of the kilos).
After some time I managed to get me a job which seemed to be the thing that really saved my life. I made great new friends there and I started to regain myself a bit. We had some crazy house parties in the apartment before we moved out in the summer to this beautiful apartment in South London.
Outside we were the ideal couple but inside we were just two people living with each other that had nothing in common. In the autumn of 2006 I was introduced to FFXI (an online game) which I got very addicted to for a while. That was the last nail to our coffin called relationship really. I spent all my free time killing goblins and talking to strangers online and I pretty much let my relationship wither away. But I have to say that it wasn’t 100% my fault… I think the effort was lacking on both parties. I met a nice guy online which I went to see in US for a 2 week holiday. It was love at first sight and we swore that we would eventually live together.
Well, spring 2007 I moved to live on my own because me and my boyfriend didn’t want to keep up the appearance anymore. It was a hard thing for me to deal with because I had never lived in UK by myself and I started to ask myself questions such as: “Why would I stay in UK now?”
Chapther 1
So here it is, another "my life is special, I need to make a movie out of it" story, but for some reason I love to read these... It's interesting to open a window to someone else's life and see how they have experienced things... and it is also fun to be able to read back on your own life when you are old and grey and remember how life was when you were young.
Well, I am not that young anymore, at least if you ask a 15-year-old or even my mother. I am going to be 29 on next Saturday and in many standards that is not considered young anymore. I lost my young persons travel card when I turned 26 and there are hostels around the world where you can't stay if you are over 28... So there we go, it's official, I am no longer young. I have now finally reached the adulthood so I have to start taking some responsibility... even if I don't feel like a responsible adult.
I work 5 days a week in a job that pays me enough to get by, if I hadn't spent my credit card to the max I would even have money to spend on silly little things, but that's not the case at the moment unfortunately, because I did spend my credit card to the max last year and all my "spare cash" go to paying off my debt...
I'm seeing a guy and we are in the stage of "are we a couple yet?" and one day I love talking to him and miss him like crazy and the other day I feel insecure and swear I will never call him again if he doesn't call me. Dating is just way too difficult if you ask me... you need to all the time be on your toes so you don't say anything stupid to spoil the moment or scare the other person (or yourself) away... Like the other day, I left the biggest frog out from my mouth... He had been talking with his friend that I might be the one for him and in his drunken moments he told me this. Then the next day when I was on the phone with him I said to him "so did you mean it when you said that I am the one?" and he got all embarrassed and started telling me off that he never said that, that he just had said that I MIGHT be the one... I felt like a complete ass and wanted to crawl in the biggest ditch to just hide there for at least 100 years.
I should be used to dating, since in the 11 years that I have been of age to decide what I do with my life, I have been on more than 1 date... a lot more than that!
So where should I start... I'm not going to go to my childhood since it's not very interesting and in many ways it would be just sad to read. I was a nice kid, I was a horrible kid, I had happy moments and I had heartbreaking moments - I think most of us have been through some horrid stuff when we were children and most of us have been forced to grow up faster than necessary, but that's just how life goes... I am determined to concentrate on the positive.
I think a good place to begin is my 18th birthday.
It was nothing that special because I had been going out and drinking a lot before that, but what made it special was that I was celebrating it at home where most of my friends had gathered.
My mother was making us drinks (with alcohol!!) and we were all having a good time... That was the last birthday I ever spent at home. Me and a good friend of mine sneaked out to smoke my very first joint of weed and afterwards we went out to a club in my hometown to have some fun. I can't remember much from my birthday (for obvious reasons) but I do remember that this was the last times I really interacted with my dad. He gave me some money when we went out and said some words of wisdom (Which I just ignored because I was 18 after all).
I can't really recall much of the whole year when I was 18, I know I dropped out from the college (only temporarily) because I was going out with a guy I was "so in love with". He was very rich and he kind of broke me out from the "prison" that I was in when I was living at home. I wanted to be independent but I didn't know how to go about it so I ended up going and doing whatever he would tell me to do. It was a sad year because I fell out of contact with my parents and I felt that they were my enemies.
Year went by and when I turned 19 I was still living with this guy who I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life...
However everything had changed, I had become horrible flirt and the guy had become just... crazy... On one New Years Eve he hit me and pushed me so hard that I fell over our computer desk breaking the desk and the computer (well that was for the second time he did something like that) and for weeks I was so sore that I was not able to move properly... That was the point for me when I decided that it was time for me to move on.
I had been talking online (yes we had internet already back then!) with lots of people and one particularly from Australia who told me to go to Australia for a while to sort things out. Naturally I didn't have money to do something like that, but he promised to pay my flights. I was a bit sceptical of the whole idea but ended up going for it when I saw that there was no other way out for me.
Before I flew to Australia I lived with my brother and his wife for a bit and then with my friend for a month in Helsinki... I had become rootless and I had no direction in my life, I was going where ever the wind was blowing me to.
Flight to Australia was a bit scary, I was going to the other side of the world and I didn't actually know anyone there...
The start of my 6 months experience in the Land of Oz was not very nice. The person that had got me there was very scary fat, Goth guy that had a beard that reached his nipples and hair that reached his bum. His skin was white as snow because he never went out during the day time. He believed he had vampiric blood in his system because the sunlight hurt his eyes (doh, what you think if you never see the daylight!). He was nice though, and so was his roommate who was high 24/7.
I was very quiet and shy for the first few months and it was getting on people's nerves. I was starving because I had no money what so ever and if it hadn't been the good will of people that I met over there, I would have died there. No kidding.
6 months in Australia changed my life.
It wasn't one of those "I went to Sydney and got drunk and met up lots of hot guys on the beach" type of holidays, but it was more like "Living in starvation is not so bad, found my soul and purpose of life, found the goodness in people and learned to be good" type of holidays.
When I got back from Australia the first thing my friends said that something had changed in me... and it had, I had said goodbye to the naive and shallow me and welcomed more balanced and down to earth me. I went to live with my friend in a small studio flat and it worked great for a while. I still had to conquer my fears to settle my arguments with my parents though, but that was settled for me when my dad died few months later.
There are no words to describe of how horrible I felt that my dad had died before I had gotten a chance to talk to him. I also found out that he had tried to contact me before he died, and every time I think of it, it makes my eyes tear up because it is just so sad... so I won't go into it, as I said, I try to concentrate on positive.
So, that year I had met a nice guy (oh and also got me my own place) He was a student in the cadet school and he lived his life to become a true soldier in a fancy uniform. I have never seen anyone so dedicated in something in my whole life. He still is in my memories the most inspiring person I have ever met. We had some good times, but for some reason we never really started dating. I was very young at that time and was still in a way looking for someone to take care of me rather than be with me - maybe that was me trying to find a "home" that I had left behind. Well, in some ways I am happy that we never did get into a serious relationship because a year or so later he passed away because he had a nasty tumour in his leg that then spread into the rest of his body. I miss him a lot...
Then I had a period of trying out a serious relationship that would have eventually ended up with me getting married with children... but I was 21 and that was way too early for things like that. A good thing that came out of that relationship however was that I finished my college and finally started to get on track with my life.
I'm not going to go through with all the guys I dated, but I have to say that I did date a lot. I was never quite happy enough with the people I met even though some really touched my heart. I was like a wild horse looking to be tamed when I should have realized that no one can really tame me, I would just have to find someone as wild as me to be with.
Well, I am not that young anymore, at least if you ask a 15-year-old or even my mother. I am going to be 29 on next Saturday and in many standards that is not considered young anymore. I lost my young persons travel card when I turned 26 and there are hostels around the world where you can't stay if you are over 28... So there we go, it's official, I am no longer young. I have now finally reached the adulthood so I have to start taking some responsibility... even if I don't feel like a responsible adult.
I work 5 days a week in a job that pays me enough to get by, if I hadn't spent my credit card to the max I would even have money to spend on silly little things, but that's not the case at the moment unfortunately, because I did spend my credit card to the max last year and all my "spare cash" go to paying off my debt...
I'm seeing a guy and we are in the stage of "are we a couple yet?" and one day I love talking to him and miss him like crazy and the other day I feel insecure and swear I will never call him again if he doesn't call me. Dating is just way too difficult if you ask me... you need to all the time be on your toes so you don't say anything stupid to spoil the moment or scare the other person (or yourself) away... Like the other day, I left the biggest frog out from my mouth... He had been talking with his friend that I might be the one for him and in his drunken moments he told me this. Then the next day when I was on the phone with him I said to him "so did you mean it when you said that I am the one?" and he got all embarrassed and started telling me off that he never said that, that he just had said that I MIGHT be the one... I felt like a complete ass and wanted to crawl in the biggest ditch to just hide there for at least 100 years.
I should be used to dating, since in the 11 years that I have been of age to decide what I do with my life, I have been on more than 1 date... a lot more than that!
So where should I start... I'm not going to go to my childhood since it's not very interesting and in many ways it would be just sad to read. I was a nice kid, I was a horrible kid, I had happy moments and I had heartbreaking moments - I think most of us have been through some horrid stuff when we were children and most of us have been forced to grow up faster than necessary, but that's just how life goes... I am determined to concentrate on the positive.
I think a good place to begin is my 18th birthday.
It was nothing that special because I had been going out and drinking a lot before that, but what made it special was that I was celebrating it at home where most of my friends had gathered.
My mother was making us drinks (with alcohol!!) and we were all having a good time... That was the last birthday I ever spent at home. Me and a good friend of mine sneaked out to smoke my very first joint of weed and afterwards we went out to a club in my hometown to have some fun. I can't remember much from my birthday (for obvious reasons) but I do remember that this was the last times I really interacted with my dad. He gave me some money when we went out and said some words of wisdom (Which I just ignored because I was 18 after all).
I can't really recall much of the whole year when I was 18, I know I dropped out from the college (only temporarily) because I was going out with a guy I was "so in love with". He was very rich and he kind of broke me out from the "prison" that I was in when I was living at home. I wanted to be independent but I didn't know how to go about it so I ended up going and doing whatever he would tell me to do. It was a sad year because I fell out of contact with my parents and I felt that they were my enemies.
Year went by and when I turned 19 I was still living with this guy who I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life...
However everything had changed, I had become horrible flirt and the guy had become just... crazy... On one New Years Eve he hit me and pushed me so hard that I fell over our computer desk breaking the desk and the computer (well that was for the second time he did something like that) and for weeks I was so sore that I was not able to move properly... That was the point for me when I decided that it was time for me to move on.
I had been talking online (yes we had internet already back then!) with lots of people and one particularly from Australia who told me to go to Australia for a while to sort things out. Naturally I didn't have money to do something like that, but he promised to pay my flights. I was a bit sceptical of the whole idea but ended up going for it when I saw that there was no other way out for me.
Before I flew to Australia I lived with my brother and his wife for a bit and then with my friend for a month in Helsinki... I had become rootless and I had no direction in my life, I was going where ever the wind was blowing me to.
Flight to Australia was a bit scary, I was going to the other side of the world and I didn't actually know anyone there...
The start of my 6 months experience in the Land of Oz was not very nice. The person that had got me there was very scary fat, Goth guy that had a beard that reached his nipples and hair that reached his bum. His skin was white as snow because he never went out during the day time. He believed he had vampiric blood in his system because the sunlight hurt his eyes (doh, what you think if you never see the daylight!). He was nice though, and so was his roommate who was high 24/7.
I was very quiet and shy for the first few months and it was getting on people's nerves. I was starving because I had no money what so ever and if it hadn't been the good will of people that I met over there, I would have died there. No kidding.
6 months in Australia changed my life.
It wasn't one of those "I went to Sydney and got drunk and met up lots of hot guys on the beach" type of holidays, but it was more like "Living in starvation is not so bad, found my soul and purpose of life, found the goodness in people and learned to be good" type of holidays.
When I got back from Australia the first thing my friends said that something had changed in me... and it had, I had said goodbye to the naive and shallow me and welcomed more balanced and down to earth me. I went to live with my friend in a small studio flat and it worked great for a while. I still had to conquer my fears to settle my arguments with my parents though, but that was settled for me when my dad died few months later.
There are no words to describe of how horrible I felt that my dad had died before I had gotten a chance to talk to him. I also found out that he had tried to contact me before he died, and every time I think of it, it makes my eyes tear up because it is just so sad... so I won't go into it, as I said, I try to concentrate on positive.
So, that year I had met a nice guy (oh and also got me my own place) He was a student in the cadet school and he lived his life to become a true soldier in a fancy uniform. I have never seen anyone so dedicated in something in my whole life. He still is in my memories the most inspiring person I have ever met. We had some good times, but for some reason we never really started dating. I was very young at that time and was still in a way looking for someone to take care of me rather than be with me - maybe that was me trying to find a "home" that I had left behind. Well, in some ways I am happy that we never did get into a serious relationship because a year or so later he passed away because he had a nasty tumour in his leg that then spread into the rest of his body. I miss him a lot...
Then I had a period of trying out a serious relationship that would have eventually ended up with me getting married with children... but I was 21 and that was way too early for things like that. A good thing that came out of that relationship however was that I finished my college and finally started to get on track with my life.
I'm not going to go through with all the guys I dated, but I have to say that I did date a lot. I was never quite happy enough with the people I met even though some really touched my heart. I was like a wild horse looking to be tamed when I should have realized that no one can really tame me, I would just have to find someone as wild as me to be with.
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