I think I am a broken woman.
I have changed from a person who couldn’t get over her own image in a mirror to someone who avoids mirrors or any places where I would be exposed to people looking at me.
I have become very anti social and like to keep to myself a lot.
I don’t know what has happened but I feel that I am only a shadow of what I used to be. I don’t recognise the girl from the pictures from my past.
For some reason I can’t trust anyone anymore, I can’t show anyone who I really am. I am a thin copy of the person I was to the outsiders who don’t know me – and that image still keeps me going, gets me jobs and make people think I am a nice person… until they spend a little time with me and they realize that it was only an echo of a person who is hollow inside.
I don’t have any friends anymore, I don’t have much family… I don’t have a partner and I will probably live my life very alone because this is the path laid in front of me.
It is really sad to think about this all… I don’t even know myself who I am anymore. I am a control freak who slacks in everything that requires effort from herself… I am lazy and I lack discipline to achieve anything more in life.
I know people feel sorry for me sometimes... They can see how depressing my life is… how alone I am. But they also see that I have built huge walls around me and it’s not worth the effort to try to break them. The person inside is not worth anything anymore.
I have no idea why I have become like this… it probably is a sum of all the things that has happened to me. I feel that I truly am alone in this world and there is no point putting my hope and trust in people because they will just end up disappearing from my life one way or another.
When you stroll in the park a bit bored, you pick up your phone and call someone… you usually have a few people you can call and chat away. I have two… my sister and my mom. I am really scared of my mother passing away… she is not THAT old yet, but in 10 years she will be and I will probably be in same spot in my life in 10 years as I am now… and it really is scary… I don’t want to be where I am now in 10 years… In 10 years I want to have a child… I want to have a family of my own… but the way things are going I won’t have any of that because my stupid mind and soul will push everyone I know away from my life…
How can I get my self esteem back? How can I re-build my trust in people?
I think I will be fine though… I think …. Maybe I am thinking this just because of the circumstances I am in right now in my life…
I’ll blough through I think… I need to keep my chin up and keep smiling…
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