What if you're right and they're wrong?

So I have been reading a lot about rules of how you should behave online, what you should write and what you should try your best to avoid. Like you should never write anything whiny and negative because no one wants to read it. You shouldn't post self serving facebook updates or brag about your life when things go well etc. The only thing that is acceptable to post is something that is positive and serves a purpose for larger audiences.
*Yawn*
 Why the rules?
I think blogs are important source for people to express themselves. If someone wants to write a blog post of a broken family, PLEASE go ahead! And I bet you, that there will be someone in this world who might one day read it and think that they are going through the same thing and who knows even find a piece of wisdom out of it.
It doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be witty and full of twists. Just write down what you feel and think.
To be honest, everyone should have their own blog because everyone goes through life differently and everyone can share experiences of the most mundane daily things to someone who hasn't gone through them yet. Or if nothing else, in couple of years time you can read back your life and learn something yourself from the mistakes and successes you had in the past.
 I don't know why everything have to always be about pleasing as many people as possible. Yeah so it is a "public" post but it doesn't mean that it has to be so awesome that million people will share it. Well unless you are trying to make money out of it, then I guess you should at least learn to be witty... But otherwise, do not worry about these things, just write!
And share photos!
   
This is me with my friends Julie and Clara.

And today my lesson (hahah) will be about self confidence and the image you have of yourself.

For the longest of times, basically all my adult life, I have felt that I am socially awkward, that no one REALLY wanted to be my friend. There has been a couple of times that I have had good friends but then for one reason or another I have lost touch with these people.
I felt that people always thought that I am boring and strange, lazy, unattractive - a person that no one wants to see themselves with.
At work I often felt like an outcast because I never felt really committed to the company I work in. I would take shortcuts, arrive late and leave early. Do the bare minimum required to still be able to do my work well. I never did badly, but I always knew that if I actually gave my 100% I could really take over the world.

So there I was, feeling that I am the oddball that people constantly gossiped behind my back; talking about the clothes that never seemed to fit me, the hair that was never straightened and my work that was always just barely enough.
In all honesty, that is probably true. For the past 15 years I have worked in an office and I have learned that the most evil bitches in the world work in the offices. There is this breed of women who will find out everything about you and breath in all your weaknesses like it was required for their well being. Very often they are slim, pretty and have a husband that drives a nice car and has a great job.
HOWEVER, do not for a second think that they are in the right... because they are not.
In my low times I made myself believe that it is the way the people were. I thought that because it was everywhere I went. I didn't have anything in common with these people so there was no reason for me to try to befriend them - so I was alone.
I mean, I had James and occasional "friend" that I exchanged things on facebook with. I had my sister and some "old" friends I would see once a year, but I didn't have any daily people that I would chat with that could have told me that I was right and they were wrong.
Obviously this made me think that I am a weirdo that no one wants to be friends with. I named myself the fat girl, the ugly girl, the lazy girl etc. I was kicking myself down all time when I should have just had one title, and that is "The girl with wrong job and low self esteem".
Now I have two really good friends and I am learning to accept that they are my friends for me and for no other reason. It is really hard.
For some reason I am always thinking that they are just "putting" up with me, until someone better and more interesting comes along.
And THAT is 15 years worth of fake people attached to a woman with low self esteem.
I saw this poster in one of the TV shows I was watching:

The guy in the show turned into a psycho killer so lets not take it THAT far (can even see the blood spatters on the poster), but this is something that we all should keep in mind. The people we are surrounded with, could make us think anything. And if you are not happy with your life/work, you could be a very easy prey to turn into something you really are not.
I still have long way to go to build my self confidence but I will try to keep in mind that there is not just one mold for a human being and you should be proud of who you are, the way you are. If people around you don't accept you, then you need to meet new people.

OMG I AM MOVING BACK TO LONDON

So, what did you do year ago at this time?

I was sitting in an office, probably reading some news article online, wishing the the last hour at work would go faster (as always). I was most definitely dieting and I was not happy about my life.
I had a just few months before moved to a new house that had its own garden and I was so looking forward to growing my own vegetables that summer!
My boyfriend had just been fired from his job so he was going through a lot, which made my life twice as hard because yet again I was paying for everything and I was not allowed to have break because I was (and always am) the backbone of our weird little family.
The house we had moved into turned out to be the ultimate craphole. The shower did not work properly and soon after moving in we found out that the pluming in the upstairs bathroom was totally crooked and leaked water down to our kitchen. The lights in our living room stopped working and the electrician who came to fix this said the wires had been pulled completely wrong and could lead to a fire which insurance would not cover as it was now a known problem.
We were also instructed by a lovely gas inspector that our boiler was on it's last leg and some pipe outside of the building had to be fixed as soon as possible or there would be fines... by now you can see a pattern.
Oh yeah, and in the bedroom there was a loose floorboard that was a total death trap...

What made things worse was the landlord could not really care less. Well I mean yes, she actually "cared"... When the extractor fan (YES THE MASSIVE THING IN KITCHEN ON TOP OF YOUR HOB) fell down and smashed our dinner in million pieces she was kind to pay for the new crockery (woot £25!) but she completely ignored the pictures I sent of myself being at the A&E getting myself stitched up. She was all nice at first also when we told her that the leak from the bathroom was creating massive water damage in the house. But when we told her that SHE would have to organize it fixed she turned into a massive BITCH straight from the fires of the same place where some other arseholes that I have met in my life will hopefully be spending their eternity.

I was really looking forward to my luxury holiday in Cyprus in the beginning of May (which was great by the way) and in general life was not too bad. I didn't have many friends (who does in London?!) and my work was very boring. But besides this, my life was OK. But for me OK has never been enough...

Little did I know that there were major changes just around the corner.

In June the whole process of moving to Switzerland started. I given a job offer which I simply could not turn down. I became a manager in a company with a salary package 3 times more than what I was earning before. The company flew me over, gave me money for the move and it was like winning a lottery at 1st.

The work turned out to be a lot more as well however.

BUT before I start moaning let me tell you about some great things that has happened to me in a year.

1. I have made not one but two great friends that I know will be with me for the rest of my life. A girl needs 2 other girls and I have found them, I am so blessed and these ones I will stick to no matter what. Even if I have to spend my whole pension to come visit them when I am old and gray, I will do it without questions asked!

2. Sheisse! Yes, this word is the BEST word to shout out loud when things don't quite go as you plan. It's not quite like "SHIT" which stops so abruptly, "SHEISSE" has more meaning to it and fits my mouth better... (NO NOT LITERALLY, YOU CHILD!)

3. Money!

4. Fresh air and old forests

5. Quality of living (no leaking bathrooms or weird electricity wiring)

I also went to the mountains now couple of times and my boyfriend can vouch for this, I turn into a little child when I see the mountains. I can't quite still believe how breathtakingly beautiful they are. Also.. who doesn't love the cobblestone streets and quaint little cafes that all have a terrace where you can stop and watch the world go by. Forget about Starbucks, these guys really know how to make a coffee (or Caffe Macchiatto which I always have).

So, now you may wonder why the post is called "OMG I AM MOVING BACK TO LONDON" if Switzerland is so awesome.

Well, besides the 1st point on my list above, all these things are irrelevant for my happiness (or so it seems right now).

While I have been living here, I have come to learn a few things about myself. Like for example the fact that I REALLY don't like working on my own and for this reason I actually don't really like running a payroll. Yes I have a fancy title of "EMEA PAYROLL MANAGER" but I don't seem like a typical manager. I am the janitor and signatory at the same time - I.do.everything.myself. When you work on your own, you don't take holidays and you most definately never have sick days.
The laptop and the phone will be with me where ever I go. If it is Christmas, I am most likely sitting in front of my laptop checking some year end payments. If it is Easter I am going through holiday allowances for the new holiday year... If it is a normal Monday morning and I have a migraine I am laying in bed, squinting my eyes, trying to read an email regardless how much pain in brings me.
I was working on my own on my previous role and I am working alone in my current role. Only difference is that in my old job I got paid a lot less and I only processed four different countries. In my current role I process 14 countries and babysit about 50 managing directors.
Before I started here, my role was split between two people... No idea what kind of a super human I was expected to be to run everything (and at the same time implement new processes) on my own.

SO, long story short. I quit a month ago. I am now working off my notice period and the last official date of my work is the 30th of May. I haven't even started to look for work because I feel that I want to find the thing I want to do.

Regardless of all the crazy stuff that has happened, I can say one thing for sure which has happened to me in the past year.
I have become a much happier person. Yes, I stress over my work a lot and there have been times I have sat home crying because the work gets too much but that is the only time I have cried. No more laying in bed, feeling sorry for myself and feeling my life was not going anywhere. For the longest of times (from age 25 to 31) I really did not know who I was and I let the world affect me in every possible way. I felt I was never enough, I was fat, I was ugly, I was boring and no one wanted to be my friend. I was very depressed and I should have talked to someone about it. I remember sometimes looking up the easiest ways to kill myself (not kidding) but I never got to actually trying anything. My manic phases would always kick in and safe me just on time. Now looking back I shake my head and think how foolish I was. Foolish. Alone. Sick. Clueless.

Now I hope I never go back to this.
I have to remember that life is not a punishment. If there is something I don't like doing, I can stop and do something else. No one is forcing me to live a life I hate. I choose to do it. SO, until I find the thing I love, I will change constantly, but at least I am looking and not sticking to the 2nd best, right?