please let me get happy soon...

So... my life is such a fu#king roller coaster and I am getting sick of it. I don't want to do all this stuff anymore...

So... I raised a grievance at work because they screwed me out of my annual bonus for resigning 3 days too early. Well, I quit my job (and left all my dear friends there) and as it happened, this weekend also broke up with my boyfriend (?) that I had been going out with for 4 months.
--- (?) because I didn't know if we were a real couple yet anyway ---
Well.. I am sad about it because I liked hanging out with this guy. We did lots of fun stuff together and I was looking forward to summer, hanging out in the parks, having picnics etc.
So here's what happened:
On Thursday after my leaving party we came to my house and I asked him if he really wanted to be with me. The reason I asked that was because I have had this feeling that his trips, hobbies, friends etc. was taking so much of his time. Every weekend he was busy doing something else that being with me. If he happened to have a free evening he would call me and do something with me.. but ONLY if nothing else was already booked for that evening. So... I told him that, I also told him how I felt bad that he didn't invite me to his holiday even though he had told me before he would like to go on a holiday with me. And then we went to sleep...
SO yesterday (saturday) I called him to ask him if we were going out that night and he told me that he had been doing thinking and that he agreed with me that he really hasn't been putting me first and that he hasn't been fair with me...AND that he is not ready for another relationship. Ok, he divorced from his wife a year and a bit ago... I was and am so angry with him. He has been introducing me as his girlfriend and I have met his friends etc. ... what a waste of time.

So yesterday and last night I was crying my eyes out and been having a horrible headache and buffy eyes today because of it. I don't know what to do or think. It is a beautiful day outside and I feel that the world is mocking me by brining out the couples walking hand in hand on the street, eating strawberries on the grass etc. I was supposed to do that this summer but looks like I will be alone as always.

I also feel really old now... I am 30 and I have no boyfriend/husband/family/house/career I feel like I have nothing to give anymore to anyone... except hate, anger, bitterness, jealousy and all the other evil feelings out there. I feel that I have lost who I really am and I need to go find it.

So... I have been thinking that after this summer... after I manage to pay a bit of my debt off, I will book a flight to somewhere... for week/month/year and try to find the lost soul. I am not this person who lives this half life in London at the moment. I am fun and adventurous... I really am.

Well... my life will change from today onwards. I will now get up my ass and go outside. It is so nice and sunny... and I need to gather myself anyway... I am stressed enough to just sit home and feel sorry for myself. Wish I had more friends/family close by so I could hang out with them more.

Please God, give me strength.

wind of change

Ok, so I left my resignation to my current work place a few weeks ago and next week is my last day here. I am quite excited as this place has been draining my soul a bit… however I will dearly miss all my friends that I have made in this place because I know in the next place I won’t make friends like here.

But… at least I will be working in the city again and I will get a bit more money… which I soooo need right now.

I am worried that I won’t pass the credit check/security checks for my new job though. Because of the turbulence in my life I have fallen back on some payments in the past and it shows in my credit records. I hate it but there is nothing I can do about it. But, me starting to work in a bank might be a problem, so I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that all is acceptable for my new employer and I can start working there soon.
I have to say I am worried.

I have been really ill for a while and I lost my bonus because I resigned a few days too early… but I am not going into these negative things. I need to try to stay positive because otherwise I will fall into depression.

I have been thinking that I seriously need to start getting into shape and get myself fit again. I feel that I am a shadow of who I am and I should really do something about it so I can start living my life again.

So… since summer is coming and sun seems to be out more, I now make a promise that I will go for a walk every day when it is not raining. I will walk up the Alexandra Palace hill, down towards Crouch end and then home. I will check the time it takes me to do that and if it is less than 30 minutes, I will need to add something to it. Eventually it will lead into running and then getting back to better health.
The fact is, I like good food and I won’t be able to stop eating good food for a long time (or make a life style change, like the health freaks call it) but what I can do is burn more energy so I can eat all that food and not get fat. I am not 19 anymore so I have to start looking after myself and make sure I will look young in the future as well. I have already started to deteriorate but it is never too late to get back in the game. 30-45 mins day to completely dedicate to myself is not much and it will do so good for me. Now to only stick to it… wish me luck.

I want to love my life again and I think the only way to do that is to get back in shape, buy beautiful clothes and celebrate the fact that I am an independent woman living in one of the most vibrant cities in the world… I can do it, I just have to get the motivation from somewhere!!! Maybe I should hang up posters of fit and beautiful women on my walls….