So... my life is such a fu#king roller coaster and I am getting sick of it. I don't want to do all this stuff anymore...
So... I raised a grievance at work because they screwed me out of my annual bonus for resigning 3 days too early. Well, I quit my job (and left all my dear friends there) and as it happened, this weekend also broke up with my boyfriend (?) that I had been going out with for 4 months.
--- (?) because I didn't know if we were a real couple yet anyway ---
Well.. I am sad about it because I liked hanging out with this guy. We did lots of fun stuff together and I was looking forward to summer, hanging out in the parks, having picnics etc.
So here's what happened:
On Thursday after my leaving party we came to my house and I asked him if he really wanted to be with me. The reason I asked that was because I have had this feeling that his trips, hobbies, friends etc. was taking so much of his time. Every weekend he was busy doing something else that being with me. If he happened to have a free evening he would call me and do something with me.. but ONLY if nothing else was already booked for that evening. So... I told him that, I also told him how I felt bad that he didn't invite me to his holiday even though he had told me before he would like to go on a holiday with me. And then we went to sleep...
SO yesterday (saturday) I called him to ask him if we were going out that night and he told me that he had been doing thinking and that he agreed with me that he really hasn't been putting me first and that he hasn't been fair with me...AND that he is not ready for another relationship. Ok, he divorced from his wife a year and a bit ago... I was and am so angry with him. He has been introducing me as his girlfriend and I have met his friends etc. ... what a waste of time.
So yesterday and last night I was crying my eyes out and been having a horrible headache and buffy eyes today because of it. I don't know what to do or think. It is a beautiful day outside and I feel that the world is mocking me by brining out the couples walking hand in hand on the street, eating strawberries on the grass etc. I was supposed to do that this summer but looks like I will be alone as always.
I also feel really old now... I am 30 and I have no boyfriend/husband/family/house/career I feel like I have nothing to give anymore to anyone... except hate, anger, bitterness, jealousy and all the other evil feelings out there. I feel that I have lost who I really am and I need to go find it.
So... I have been thinking that after this summer... after I manage to pay a bit of my debt off, I will book a flight to somewhere... for week/month/year and try to find the lost soul. I am not this person who lives this half life in London at the moment. I am fun and adventurous... I really am.
Well... my life will change from today onwards. I will now get up my ass and go outside. It is so nice and sunny... and I need to gather myself anyway... I am stressed enough to just sit home and feel sorry for myself. Wish I had more friends/family close by so I could hang out with them more.
Please God, give me strength.
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