I think I am a broken woman.
I have changed from a person who couldn’t get over her own image in a mirror to someone who avoids mirrors or any places where I would be exposed to people looking at me.
I have become very anti social and like to keep to myself a lot.
I don’t know what has happened but I feel that I am only a shadow of what I used to be. I don’t recognise the girl from the pictures from my past.
For some reason I can’t trust anyone anymore, I can’t show anyone who I really am. I am a thin copy of the person I was to the outsiders who don’t know me – and that image still keeps me going, gets me jobs and make people think I am a nice person… until they spend a little time with me and they realize that it was only an echo of a person who is hollow inside.
I don’t have any friends anymore, I don’t have much family… I don’t have a partner and I will probably live my life very alone because this is the path laid in front of me.
It is really sad to think about this all… I don’t even know myself who I am anymore. I am a control freak who slacks in everything that requires effort from herself… I am lazy and I lack discipline to achieve anything more in life.
I know people feel sorry for me sometimes... They can see how depressing my life is… how alone I am. But they also see that I have built huge walls around me and it’s not worth the effort to try to break them. The person inside is not worth anything anymore.
I have no idea why I have become like this… it probably is a sum of all the things that has happened to me. I feel that I truly am alone in this world and there is no point putting my hope and trust in people because they will just end up disappearing from my life one way or another.
When you stroll in the park a bit bored, you pick up your phone and call someone… you usually have a few people you can call and chat away. I have two… my sister and my mom. I am really scared of my mother passing away… she is not THAT old yet, but in 10 years she will be and I will probably be in same spot in my life in 10 years as I am now… and it really is scary… I don’t want to be where I am now in 10 years… In 10 years I want to have a child… I want to have a family of my own… but the way things are going I won’t have any of that because my stupid mind and soul will push everyone I know away from my life…
How can I get my self esteem back? How can I re-build my trust in people?
I think I will be fine though… I think …. Maybe I am thinking this just because of the circumstances I am in right now in my life…
I’ll blough through I think… I need to keep my chin up and keep smiling…
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Summer of 2010 was not that great....
Been ages again since I last posted anything... My life has been a bit of a rollercoaster with a very long downhill that doesn't seem to end...
So in April I left Ceridian, the job I had been in for almost two years. I worked for Lloyds bank for a few months and then got a great offer from one of my old clients from the time when I was still at Ceridian. I started working for Epson near Hemel Hempstead and it was taking me 3 hours (or sometimes more) to travel to work and back. It was horrible.
In June I had moved in with one of my friends (ex-friend now) which was probably one of the biggest mistakes I have done in my life (yes even the stupidest ones don't count). On the 1st week of our tenancy she started telling me how she wanted to move out... I was not happy. Then we started arquing about everything... I wasn't creating a family athmosphere to the house, I was building a wall between her and myself... and so on. She was determined to make me feel bad about myself when all I wanted to have was some privacy. I am not a person that shares everything with other people... I actually dont share much at all. I tried to tell that to her but with no success... she didn't see my side of things at all.
With all this stress added to the stress of travelling back and forth to work I felt that if I didn't do something, I would simply burnout and then I would really be in trouble - I don't want to mess with my health.
One night after I had been listening my "friend" once again telling me how selfish and rude person I was I went online and found myself a new flat to move to. Few weeks after I told my "friend" that I was moving and was going to sublet the room. Of course she kicked up a fuzz about it and now I am in the middle of sorting everything out. I can't wait for December when I can get my name off the contract but I just know that there will be some thunder along the way and I will need help from greater powers to get through this all.
I have not had time for anything else in my life really. My mind has been filled with panic, stress and fear that this woman I once used to call my friend will ruin my life.
Please don't let it be so.
At least I am going to Finland in 2 weeks time, hope that helps me relax a bit.
So in April I left Ceridian, the job I had been in for almost two years. I worked for Lloyds bank for a few months and then got a great offer from one of my old clients from the time when I was still at Ceridian. I started working for Epson near Hemel Hempstead and it was taking me 3 hours (or sometimes more) to travel to work and back. It was horrible.
In June I had moved in with one of my friends (ex-friend now) which was probably one of the biggest mistakes I have done in my life (yes even the stupidest ones don't count). On the 1st week of our tenancy she started telling me how she wanted to move out... I was not happy. Then we started arquing about everything... I wasn't creating a family athmosphere to the house, I was building a wall between her and myself... and so on. She was determined to make me feel bad about myself when all I wanted to have was some privacy. I am not a person that shares everything with other people... I actually dont share much at all. I tried to tell that to her but with no success... she didn't see my side of things at all.
With all this stress added to the stress of travelling back and forth to work I felt that if I didn't do something, I would simply burnout and then I would really be in trouble - I don't want to mess with my health.
One night after I had been listening my "friend" once again telling me how selfish and rude person I was I went online and found myself a new flat to move to. Few weeks after I told my "friend" that I was moving and was going to sublet the room. Of course she kicked up a fuzz about it and now I am in the middle of sorting everything out. I can't wait for December when I can get my name off the contract but I just know that there will be some thunder along the way and I will need help from greater powers to get through this all.
I have not had time for anything else in my life really. My mind has been filled with panic, stress and fear that this woman I once used to call my friend will ruin my life.
Please don't let it be so.
At least I am going to Finland in 2 weeks time, hope that helps me relax a bit.
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