So here it is, another "my life is special, I need to make a movie out of it" story, but for some reason I love to read these... It's interesting to open a window to someone else's life and see how they have experienced things... and it is also fun to be able to read back on your own life when you are old and grey and remember how life was when you were young.
Well, I am not that young anymore, at least if you ask a 15-year-old or even my mother. I am going to be 29 on next Saturday and in many standards that is not considered young anymore. I lost my young persons travel card when I turned 26 and there are hostels around the world where you can't stay if you are over 28... So there we go, it's official, I am no longer young. I have now finally reached the adulthood so I have to start taking some responsibility... even if I don't feel like a responsible adult.
I work 5 days a week in a job that pays me enough to get by, if I hadn't spent my credit card to the max I would even have money to spend on silly little things, but that's not the case at the moment unfortunately, because I did spend my credit card to the max last year and all my "spare cash" go to paying off my debt...
I'm seeing a guy and we are in the stage of "are we a couple yet?" and one day I love talking to him and miss him like crazy and the other day I feel insecure and swear I will never call him again if he doesn't call me. Dating is just way too difficult if you ask me... you need to all the time be on your toes so you don't say anything stupid to spoil the moment or scare the other person (or yourself) away... Like the other day, I left the biggest frog out from my mouth... He had been talking with his friend that I might be the one for him and in his drunken moments he told me this. Then the next day when I was on the phone with him I said to him "so did you mean it when you said that I am the one?" and he got all embarrassed and started telling me off that he never said that, that he just had said that I MIGHT be the one... I felt like a complete ass and wanted to crawl in the biggest ditch to just hide there for at least 100 years.
I should be used to dating, since in the 11 years that I have been of age to decide what I do with my life, I have been on more than 1 date... a lot more than that!
So where should I start... I'm not going to go to my childhood since it's not very interesting and in many ways it would be just sad to read. I was a nice kid, I was a horrible kid, I had happy moments and I had heartbreaking moments - I think most of us have been through some horrid stuff when we were children and most of us have been forced to grow up faster than necessary, but that's just how life goes... I am determined to concentrate on the positive.
I think a good place to begin is my 18th birthday.
It was nothing that special because I had been going out and drinking a lot before that, but what made it special was that I was celebrating it at home where most of my friends had gathered.
My mother was making us drinks (with alcohol!!) and we were all having a good time... That was the last birthday I ever spent at home. Me and a good friend of mine sneaked out to smoke my very first joint of weed and afterwards we went out to a club in my hometown to have some fun. I can't remember much from my birthday (for obvious reasons) but I do remember that this was the last times I really interacted with my dad. He gave me some money when we went out and said some words of wisdom (Which I just ignored because I was 18 after all).
I can't really recall much of the whole year when I was 18, I know I dropped out from the college (only temporarily) because I was going out with a guy I was "so in love with". He was very rich and he kind of broke me out from the "prison" that I was in when I was living at home. I wanted to be independent but I didn't know how to go about it so I ended up going and doing whatever he would tell me to do. It was a sad year because I fell out of contact with my parents and I felt that they were my enemies.
Year went by and when I turned 19 I was still living with this guy who I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life...
However everything had changed, I had become horrible flirt and the guy had become just... crazy... On one New Years Eve he hit me and pushed me so hard that I fell over our computer desk breaking the desk and the computer (well that was for the second time he did something like that) and for weeks I was so sore that I was not able to move properly... That was the point for me when I decided that it was time for me to move on.
I had been talking online (yes we had internet already back then!) with lots of people and one particularly from Australia who told me to go to Australia for a while to sort things out. Naturally I didn't have money to do something like that, but he promised to pay my flights. I was a bit sceptical of the whole idea but ended up going for it when I saw that there was no other way out for me.
Before I flew to Australia I lived with my brother and his wife for a bit and then with my friend for a month in Helsinki... I had become rootless and I had no direction in my life, I was going where ever the wind was blowing me to.
Flight to Australia was a bit scary, I was going to the other side of the world and I didn't actually know anyone there...
The start of my 6 months experience in the Land of Oz was not very nice. The person that had got me there was very scary fat, Goth guy that had a beard that reached his nipples and hair that reached his bum. His skin was white as snow because he never went out during the day time. He believed he had vampiric blood in his system because the sunlight hurt his eyes (doh, what you think if you never see the daylight!). He was nice though, and so was his roommate who was high 24/7.
I was very quiet and shy for the first few months and it was getting on people's nerves. I was starving because I had no money what so ever and if it hadn't been the good will of people that I met over there, I would have died there. No kidding.
6 months in Australia changed my life.
It wasn't one of those "I went to Sydney and got drunk and met up lots of hot guys on the beach" type of holidays, but it was more like "Living in starvation is not so bad, found my soul and purpose of life, found the goodness in people and learned to be good" type of holidays.
When I got back from Australia the first thing my friends said that something had changed in me... and it had, I had said goodbye to the naive and shallow me and welcomed more balanced and down to earth me. I went to live with my friend in a small studio flat and it worked great for a while. I still had to conquer my fears to settle my arguments with my parents though, but that was settled for me when my dad died few months later.
There are no words to describe of how horrible I felt that my dad had died before I had gotten a chance to talk to him. I also found out that he had tried to contact me before he died, and every time I think of it, it makes my eyes tear up because it is just so sad... so I won't go into it, as I said, I try to concentrate on positive.
So, that year I had met a nice guy (oh and also got me my own place) He was a student in the cadet school and he lived his life to become a true soldier in a fancy uniform. I have never seen anyone so dedicated in something in my whole life. He still is in my memories the most inspiring person I have ever met. We had some good times, but for some reason we never really started dating. I was very young at that time and was still in a way looking for someone to take care of me rather than be with me - maybe that was me trying to find a "home" that I had left behind. Well, in some ways I am happy that we never did get into a serious relationship because a year or so later he passed away because he had a nasty tumour in his leg that then spread into the rest of his body. I miss him a lot...
Then I had a period of trying out a serious relationship that would have eventually ended up with me getting married with children... but I was 21 and that was way too early for things like that. A good thing that came out of that relationship however was that I finished my college and finally started to get on track with my life.
I'm not going to go through with all the guys I dated, but I have to say that I did date a lot. I was never quite happy enough with the people I met even though some really touched my heart. I was like a wild horse looking to be tamed when I should have realized that no one can really tame me, I would just have to find someone as wild as me to be with.
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