Ok… so here I am now a bit over a year later. I am now 30 and looking back to the year passed I have to say that it did improve slightly but I am still a bit stuck in a rut.
My credit card bill is still as much as it was a year ago and I got to a point with my money that I was really getting in trouble. Luckily that guy (who I wrote about above) was kind enough to lend me some money to get back on my feet but I am far far away from what I actually need to be. BUT I am getting there.
So… in March I flew to India with this wonderful person I had met. We started arguing already at the airport because I couldn’t keep up with his super speed walking. In the plain he chose the isle seat because he didn’t want to sit next to a stranger (I wasn’t asked if I minded…) and then 2 hours in to the flight he started complaining that he didn’t like sitting next to the isle because people passing by was pumping into him all the time… I was just biting my lip when I stood up and swapped seats with him…
Well, we arrived in sunny Goa few hours later and took a cab to our resort. We didn’t have any accommodation reserved so we ended up walking on the sandy pathway carrying our heavy bags, trying to find some place to crash for the night. Prior the trip my companion had convinced me that we didn’t need to book anything in advance because he knew where we were going but, like you probably guessed, the reality turned out to be slightly different. I made a crucial mistake of asking where we were going after 5 minutes of walking. I got a really angry snap back that he had no f…..ing idea and that I should sometimes think for myself. Which I then ended up doing by walking to the nearest hotel and getting us a place for the night… and for him for the rest of his holiday.
So… the beginning of our romantic holiday in India wasn’t the best possible, but I was keeping positive that once the stress of the travelling passed we would be able to start enjoying ourselves.
On the first evening in the resort, we went to one of the clubs where we met lots of nice people around the world, but there was one thing that everyone seemed to have in common… and that was drugs. Weed, cocaine, ecstasy… you name it. It was very easily available (yes even though everyone always said that if you get caught with drugs you get very long sentences in India). I have never been too keen on drugs – only tried cocaine few times in my whole life and knowing how addicting it can be, never have had a big interest to do anything like that again.
But unfortunately I can’t say the same about my partner. When he got the taste of “fun” he went with it until his body would simply stop working. He didn’t know when to stop and unfortunately he had lots of like minded people around him. I went to sleep a lot before him (even though that was like 7am) and his party lasted for days. He would occasionally come back to the room and attempt to sleep for a bit but anyone who has ever done any drugs knows that one side effect these happy pills bring you is insomnia. The heat didn’t make things any easier either.
I was trying to enjoy my holiday by myself – going to the beach, shopping etc. by myself. Then at some point when I was sleeping in the hotel room (this must have been like the 3rd or the 4th night) I was woken up by this guy shouting insults at me, how I wasn’t interested in him at all, how I just used him and basically made him feel horrible etc.. He told me that he would only abuse me verbally for the time being… and that he did… he kept me in constant fear that he was going to hurt me and while he was doing that, he always remembered to tell me how horrible person I was, how boring and always on a look out to some other guys.
I knew it was the drugs and alcohol shouting at me, but we have all heard stories of someone killing another person because little green men told him to do so when they were on one of the LSD trips. I was scared for my life and I was on another side of the world.
One of the days when he was trying to sleep his drunkenness away I decided to leave him to his misery. I couldn’t take the risk of getting injured or murdered in another country by some insane person. I packed my bags as quietly as possible, fetched my passport from the reception of the hotel (I lied to the reception that I was just going for a few day trip to Mumbai so he could keep the hotel, didn’t want him to realize I was gone) and walked actually just around the corner and booked me a beach hut for few nights. I felt horrible. I was sitting on the porch of my hut feeling like my body was on some weird automated survival mode… I had to get away from the danger and that’s what I had done, but then the reality started to sink in that I had left my new boyfriend that I was supposed to love. He was supposed to take care of me and all that good stuff but he turned out to be this monster that was verbally abusing me and keeping me in fear that if I didn’t do what he wanted, he would hurt me. I started to shiver when I remembered how afraid I had been laying in the hotel room, trying to stay awake because I didn’t want to find myself laying in the pool of blood when I woke up. I remembered a moment when he had run towards my bed… naked, shouting that he was going to rape me soon if I didn’t start paying him more respect and be more interested in him. He was insanely jumping up and down covered in sweat… completely butt naked. I tried to explain to him that I can’t pretend to be interested in a person who was drunk out of his mind 24/7 (or in God knows what he was taking). This image is actually still really vivid in my mind… But when I was sitting on that porch my mind was trying to process all that had happened to me and I think I started to cry at some point… the night came and with it the darkness… which in Goa can be piercing because sometimes the electricity could go out from the whole Goa for a few minutes, hours, the whole evening.
I tried to enjoy myself the next few days. I went for walks, I ate in restaurants, I had a massage and I went to see how the local people lived. I did shopping and basically tried my best to forget all the horrible things that had happened to me. But I was feeling very lonely and wasn’t in the holiday mood anymore. Then one sunny day I eventually walked into an internet café and started to look for flights back to UK. I only had 1 week to go when my flight would have been anyway, but I felt that I had to get home right there and then and I didn’t want to share a plane with an insane person.
I was surprised how cheap the flights were but they were all from Mumbai… however I was determined and I felt that a little adventure would be good for me – which it was.
I booked my flights and I also managed to book a train ticket for the following day. I was apparently very lucky because the long distance trains are many times fully booked weeks before. Early morning a cab driver drove me to Margao train station and I hopped on my train towards the buzzing city of Mumbai. I met a nice young man from Kerala who was on his way to Mumbai for a back operation. He kept me company for the whole 12 hours. He gave me great insight of the Indian culture and I have to say that the train ride really saved my memories from India. I travelled through areas where I saw children and women carrying water on the top of their head from the wells (just like you see in documentaries from Africa), farmers on the fields with their mules, local shops, chai men, Indian hospitality…. I was the only foreigner in the car and my blond hair was getting lots of attention from everyone. I loved it… I felt I was myself again.
We arrived to Mumbai a bit after 8 in the evening and I was starving. Me and my new acquaintance walked a bit around Mumbai and finally found a place to go eat. Around 10 pm I took a cab from the central Mumbai to the airport, since my flight was leaving at 6 am the next morning. I felt a bit gutted at that point because I wanted to stay longer. I had hastily booked me flights to fly back home because I was running away, but little did I know that India would suck me into it’s crazy rhythm… I hated it and loved it at the same time… but it was very intriguing.
The cab driver must have taken the longest route to the airport because it took a very long time…. We drove through areas with houses (I am not sure if they could have been called houses to be honest) packed next to each other, cars, scooters, little tuktuk’s, pedestrians etc. buzzing around in perfect chaos. The stench of the city was mind blowing… you could see whole families sleeping under cardboard boxes on the street. You could smell the buildings rotting. I never forget the smell, it got to your clothes, your hair… everything. I guess that’s why they use the incense sticks so they wouldn’t smell the rotting city. But I was amazed by everything I saw.
At the airport I gave all the rupees I had left to the cab driver, I must have ended up giving £20-£30 in total to him actually because I didn’t want to go exchange such a small amount of money, only the commission would have taken 3rd of it. The look on the poor man’s face was priceless when he got the money. I probably paid for his Christmas presents for that year or something… people in India do earn so little compared to us, it did make me feel a bit guilty sometimes.
Well, when I finally arrived in UK I got really sick. I was happy to be home, but I was lying in bed for 3 days throwing up every single little thing I tried to put to my mouth. I probably had picked up some bad stomach bug while in India. When I got over that and put my head outside of the door for the 1st time in days, I sprained my ankle and had to visit the hospital twice just to make sure it was fine… I still can’t jump on my ankle like I used to before.
I didn’t hear anything from my ex-boyfriend for weeks… then one day he called me that he had my bike (which he had promised to get me). I found out while I was picking it up that it was stolen as well… I suddenly started to find out that this person was not a very nice person at all and what happened in India was probably a blessing in disguise.
Well, the human nature is very forgiving and I saw him again and again and we even got to the point where we could have been called a couple again I guess. But things were never the same again. I had a weird, unsafe, feeling about him all the time and he was good only if you wanted to go out and have fun. He was rich … he would always pay for everything… without thinking twice. I guess that’s a bit horrible of me, but he kept me entertained in certain level.
In autumn my freedom was snatched from me when my old fling from US (the one that I moved in with and lost £3000 for…) flew over to London and decided that it was ok for him to stay in my flat for free for 3 months, without him paying rent, buying food or contributing to the household expenses in any way. Ok, I have to say that part of that was really my own fault because when we were talking with each other over the internet, I actually told him to come over… little did I know that he wouldn’t have any (I mean literally any) money when he got here and his lazy ass wouldn’t be able to get any kind of work for the whole time.
Since he didn’t have any friends here, no family, work or hobbies either, he started to live his life through me. I had to give him a detailed explanation of my day, people I interacted with etc. He used my money, ate my food and even destroyed parts of my flat which I now need to figure out how to fix or hide efficiently before I plan to move out.
It got to the point that he was reading my phone text messages, my email, spying my letters…. I told him to leave several times, but without any money he didn’t have anywhere to go…So I had to bear with it and put my own happiness to the side once again.
I cut the connection to all the people in my life… everyone… even my dearest friends. I was hibernating until the day he was going to leave… which made me a bit sad because it cast a shadow on my 30th birthday. I had arranged party for my family and friends but there was a feeling of awkwardness in everything because I couldn’t be myself because I would have to explain myself 100 times then if I was.
Then finally a bit over a month ago I was granted my freedom and I was suddenly alone again. I loved it and I am still loving it.
Christmas came and went and I was spending a very relaxing week in Finland around the new years. In the middle of the silence I once again found myself and the peace within (which I have now again almost completely lost being back in UK for 2 weeks) but I did make a promise to myself and that was that I will not let anyone dictate my life again. I will be honest with everything, no more secrets and hiding. I will cut the ties with all old boyfriends and just move on. I have now for a long time been saying that 2010 will be my year and that it will be. I am going to make most of what my little life can offer me.
I already met a nice guy who actually seems genuinely nice and not just from outside. I feel more ease with myself and I will try to get on my feet again with my money. I have created a bad habit of comfort buying which I really need to get rid of…. But besides that, I think I am doing pretty well (better than year ago).
The only thing that came from 2009 was new friends. I have made some really great friends which I know will stay with me for the rest of my life. Just for that 2009 was worth it, but I wish I could just erase the negative things.
So there we go, my adulthood in 7 pages… I should have probably gone in more detail… Which I will do. I will add some random little stories here for sure.
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