Cocaine

So, today I think I will tell you a little bit about something I am not so proud of.
Year ago when the year changed from 2008 to 2009 I felt very adventurous and acquired some coacaine to boost up the New Year party.
I have to say that the moment I snorted that lovely angel dust to my nose I was so hooked and it took me a LONG TIME to get rid of the feeling…
You know sometimes when you are in the right kind of mood when you feel really confident, alert, social and smart… you feel like nothing is impossible for you…. Well… that’s how cocaine makes you feel. It doesn’t make you dizzy - quite the opposite If you are really drunk and you take some “gear” (as the people in the scene seem to call it) you suddenly feel all alert and clear headed again. Cocaine can keep you going for days without sleep, food or drink… it’s insane. But something else which is insane is the feeling after you stop taking it. You can’t sleep because your body is working on hyper speed, you start to shake and feel hollow (you know the feeling when you haven’t slept for days, hungry, dehydrated etc.).
After that new years party (which lasted for 3+ days) I did cocaine few times on some random nights out. I met some scary people… people whose life was dictated by drugs. I saw a guy run for his life (for real) while I had to quietly disappear from the scene or I might have been next in the line. I met a guy who had spent £2000 for a nose operation because he had destroyed his nose by taking too much cocaine…. And yet there he was doing the same shit again. I saw people lie and destroy relationships with girlfriends, mothers etc. because of this wonderful angel dust that made you so confident…
I never really had trouble saying “no I have had enough and will go home/sleep now” but I have to say that I was one of the lucky ones who had still some sense of reality. My “friends” weren’t really like that at all… the saddest thing (and the final “never again”) for me was when I went to visit one of them last summer.
We met in a pub in the middle of the week and I agreed to go visit his house, he had to go home anyway for some reason.
All the windows of the normally quite lovely apartment were covered with blankets, there were bottles of beer, half empty take away food wrappings, toilet paper, cigarettes, ash etc. everywhere and it smelled absolutely horrible. I didn’t even realize what he was doing, until I walked to him in his kitchen and saw him make a line for himself on the table. He asked me to take one too but I declined with disgust shining from my face. He was doing coke, in the middle of the week, by himself in a sad apartment with no sunlight coming in and no plans what was happening for the rest of the week.
I left quite quickly to go home and swore that I will never do cocaine (or any other drug) again. I have seen what it does to people and I never want to end up like that. Fair enough, it made me feel better than I have probably ever felt and ever will, but to me it’s like selling your soul to the devil for some fun and then pay the consequences afterwards.
I am a person who has to see/experience things until I make my judgement and I am lucky that I have been smart enough to make this decision before anything bad happened.
Still today when I see something cocaine related that “addiction” lifts its head and in some weird way I want to do it again… but I know that it’s something I need to just live with. It’s so true that it only takes one time to get addicted to drugs such as cocaine, that’s why I never want to see my kids or anyone really even try it. I know I can control myself, but not all can.